The Modesty Trap - How does Lack of Confidence often get thought of as lack of competence

1. • This fictional case history is based on several people’s workplace experiences.
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THE MODESTY TRAP
by Dr. Adele Scheele
Excerpt from Working Woman – August 1994
In the office, a lack of confidence
is often equated with a lack of competence
Amy Diamond* is angry and confused. Yesterday, her boss, Dick Laurence,
the director of public relations for an Ivy League university, asked for an
update on a new project; within minutes, he was reprimanding her for
lacking “inner strength.”
It all started a few days ago, when
Laurence gave her one-week to plan a press
conference announcing the reorganization of
the business school. Coordinating a major
press event and getting national TV coverage
is a tall order under any circumstance, but
with just a week to send out releases and
make calls, it was nearly impossible.
Everyone knew that. So when Laurence asked
her how the project was shaping up, she
answered frankly. She told him who hadn’t
called her back, who had said they wouldn’t
be there and how prickly the business-school
dean had been. “It’ll be
a miracle if I pull this off,” she said. What she
wanted was a little sympathy, perhaps even a
vote of confidence: “I know you can do it –
you always do.” Instead, she got scolding.
“You really are insecure,” he said, adding
that her lack of inner strength was going to be
a “serious career liability.” He said he wanted
a staffer with a “can-do spirit,” someone who
“sees solutions, not problems.” He practically
pushed her out of his office, saying, “For your
sake, I hope you pull it off.”
Now Diamond doesn’t know what to
think. How could Laurence show so little
faith in her? In her six months working for
him, Diamond has managed many complex
assignments quite well. It was she who
defused press inquiries when the associate
dean of the med school resigned, claiming sex
discrimination. It was she who ran the media
symposium that had one of the largest
turnouts ever – and a five-minute segment on
a network news show.
Perhaps she shouldn’t have been so
candid. Despite a wonderful sense of humour,
Laurence is the quintessential company man,
never complaining and never showing and
insecurities. But not showing self-doubt isn’t
the same as not having it. Diamond’s worries
don’t make her any less competent or
professional. She doesn’t want to act like one
of those guys who strut around, puffed up
with bravado. But is that the only way she can
win back her boss’s confidence?
STRATEGY
I meet women like Diamond almost every
day – smart, capable, ambitious professional
who, despite their accomplishments,
downplay their strengths. While many men
talk themselves up, most women have to be
prodded to talk about their achievements and
are often overly modest when they do. And
while most men discuss their problems only
with a trusted few, women will worry openly,
in front of colleagues, about their ability to
get a job done.
Given the negative messages that society
continues to send about women’s
competence, or incompetence, it is
understandable that more women than men

2. • This fictional case history is based on several people’s workplace experiences.
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express their job-related anxieties. But
women also act modest – “Oh, do you really
think that I’m that good?” – because they
think that is the way they are supposed to
behave. They’re aren’t insecure, they’re
acting out a profoundly feminine ritual.
As Deborah Tannen points out in her
groundbreaking book, “You Just Don’t
Understand: Women and Men in
Conversation”, women use language to
establish a rapport, where as men use it to
assert their independence and status. For
women, talking about a problem is a bid for
sympathy or commiseration (“I know exactly
how you feel. When I was promoted…”). For
men, talking about a problem means asking
for advice and therefore putting themselves in
a subordinate position – something they are
loath to do, especially with colleagues.
Conversely, for a woman, talking about
accomplishments is considered rude, because
it means setting herself apart from her peers.
Tannen notes that little girls are not expected
to boast about their skills or show that they
think they’re better than other children; if
they do, they become unpopular. As a result,
women dispense praise and wait for it to be
given to them. In friendships and families,
such behavior can cement relationships; most
women and men depend on nurturing in their
personal lives. But in business, which usually
operates on a male hierarchical order, it can
be misinterpreted as not only a lack of
confidence but also a lack of competence. As
Laurence said, it can be a serious liability.
But how to change? Diamond can rattle
off her success, so she knows she is valuable.
Now she needs to show her boss how
confident she is. That means she must
reassure him – no the other way around. Like
most bosses, Laurence doesn’t want to spend
his time soothing egos. He wants someone he
can trust, someone he can rely on to get the
job done. While executives might be
forgiving of the employee who worries that
she is going to fail (but rarely does), the fact
is that most prefer the worker who says, “No
problem”.
The first thing Diamond must do is to stop
complaining about impossible deadlines,
difficult deans and an elusive press. She
doesn’t have to do a 180-degree turn and
become the stoic. She can convey her real
concerns, as long as she presents feasible
solutions to go with them.
When Laurence asks her how a project is
going, she should start with the good news –
the national reporters who are coming, the
wonderful PR photos that were taken, the
professors whose cooperation she has won.
That will send a clear message that she has
the situation under control.
Instead of bemoaning her work load or
offering Laurence a litany of complaints
about circumstances he cannot change, she
should pinpoint the specific ways in which
he, or the department can help: “As well as
it’s going, the dean seems to be reluctant to
release any statements for the press release. It
might help is you called him.” This behavior
will not only alleviate his anxieties but may
also assuage her own.
Diamond will have moments of self-
doubt. Even the most accomplished people
sometimes question their abilities. But they
generally don’t reveal these doubts to
colleagues. Instead, they wrestle with them
privately – and suppress them in order to get
the job done. Some of the women I know go
through a mental checklist, reminding
themselves of all the projects they’ve
managed successfully and how they always
lose some sleet before facing new challenges
– but most of the time do just fine.
At first, Diamond might feel like an
imposter. Many women find that presenting
themselves as bold, “can-do” types initially
feels like acting, a dramatic presentation of
who they’d like to be but do not yet feel they
are. Not to worry. If Diamond doesn’t feel as
strong as she looks, in time she will.