StopSO workshop 2018 LawleyTompkins

StopSO Pre-Conference Workshop 2018
Curbing the Urge
Decoupling action from attraction
Penny Tompkins and James Lawley

James Lawley & Penny Tompkins, 2018, cleanlanguage.co.uk
Curbing the Urge: Decoupling action from attraction
This workshop will enhance your ability to work directly with the impulses of (potential)
sex offenders so they discover more ways to to decouple desire from action, and increase
self-regulation.
We assume people make the best choice available to them, given how their experience is
organised. If they had a better choice they would take it. By slowing down the client’s
internal process, things that happen in the blink of an eye can be examined, enabling them
to amplify ‘warning signals’, identify ‘choice points’ and discover how to ‘modulate' their
desires and impulses. Modulation, according to Ian McGhilcrist is a neurological “process
that resists, but does not negate. It is the imposition of necessary distance, or delay,
enabling something new to come forward.”
The workshop will be constructed around a process model of a client’s moment-by-
moment subjective experience of Desire-Impulse-Action and how these relate to self-
awareness and outcome retention. The day will include demonstration, applications of the
method and practice activities.

Penny Tompkins
and
James Lawley
1993: accepted on first register
2014: first academic
article in 4* journal about
Clean Language
as an interview method.
Methodology Corner
Eliciting Metaphor through Clean
Language: An Innovation in
Qualitative Research
Paul Tosey, James Lawley1
and Rupert Meese2
Surrey Business School, University of Surrey, Guildford, Surrey GU2 7XH, UK, 1
The Developing Company,
PO Box 349, Lisburn BT28 1WZ, UK, and 2
Clean Change Company Ltd, 18 Byfield Road, Isleworth,
Middlesex TW7 7AF, UK
Corresponding author email: P.Tosey@surrey.ac.uk
This paper shows how an innovative method of questioning called Clean Language can
enhance the authenticity and rigour of interview-based qualitative research. We investi-
gate the specific potential of Clean Language as a method for eliciting naturally occur-
ring metaphors in order to provide in-depth understanding of a person’s symbolic world;
despite substantial interest in metaphors in the field of organizational and management
research there is a lack of explicit, systematic methods for eliciting naturally occurring
metaphors. We also demonstrate how Clean Language can improve qualitative research
more widely by addressing the propensity for researchers inadvertently to introduce
extraneous metaphors into an interviewee’s account at both data collection and inter-
pretation stages. Data are presented from a collaborative academic–practitioner project
in which Clean Language was used as a method of interviewing to elicit the metaphors of
six mid-career managers, relating to the way they experienced work–life balance. The
first contribution of this paper is to demonstrate the potential of Clean Language for
eliciting naturally occurring metaphors in order to provide in-depth understanding of a
person’s symbolic world. The second contribution is to show how Clean Language can
enhance the rigour and authenticity of interview-based qualitative research more widely.
Introduction
There has been considerable interest in metaphor
in the organization and management literature
(e.g. Cassell and Lee, 2012; Cornelissen, 2006;
Cornelissen and Kafouros, 2008; Cornelissen
et al., 2008; Grant and Oswick, 1996;
Hatch and Yanow, 2008; Marshak, 1993;
Morgan, 1986; Oswick and Jones, 2006; Oswick
and Montgomery, 1999; Oswick, Keenoy and
Grant, 2002). However, according to Cassell and
Lee (2012, p. 248), ‘most research focuses on theWe wish to acknowledge Wendy Sullivan and Margaret
bs_bs_banner
British Journal of Management, Vol. 25, 629–646 (2014)
DOI: 10.1111/1467-8551.12042
2000: first comprehensive book
about David Grove’s
therapeutic metaphor approach
2017: first comprehensive
book about David Grove’s
Clean Space approach
2013: Joined StopSO

Overview of the day
Our research project
Activity 1: Review transcript of non-offending paedophile.
Results of our interviews
Activity 2: Developing a metaphor for self-regulation.
A simple model of ‘Attraction to Action’
Activity 3: Identifying choice points
Demonstration
Activity 4: Working with choice points

Activity 1
First Transcript Review
1. Read the following transcript and identify (mark the handout):
- What stands out as important?
- What resources are indicated by the interviewee that would
support non-offending?
2. Get with two people you do not know well and compare answers to #1

Activity 1: Interview part 1
The following verbatim extract from an interview (not a therapy session) is with a man (I) in his 50s who started “hunting child
pornography” in his 20’s. He viewed it almost every night until he was arrested in 2012 and convicted of accessing and
possession of illegal images. He says he has “never touched a child” and has not reoffended since his arrest.
I: The feelings are so powerful that even after I’ve seen on a newsgroup that one of the sites where I’d bought something which I don’t
even think was child pornography because there was nothing sexual about it, they were naked children – even when I found out that
that site was busted by the police, [inaudible] I didn’t get rid of my collection, even though I knew there was a chance I could get
arrested. And that's exactly how I got arrested. So it's an overwhelming – I understand when I hear about pedophiles that have
actually offended against children – while I think it's horrible and I think they have to be locked up. But I understand the feelings. I
understand how powerful those feelings are because I have felt them every day and teeter-totter with those temptations as well.
James: OK. So an every-day temptation.
I: Absolutely.
James: And you said you teeter-tottered, so was there any time when you didn't go on and look at child pornography during that period?
I: When I said teeter-totter maybe I didn’t explain myself – I meant actually offending against children. No there was no time when I
didn’t [inaudible]. Everybody tells there own story I guess. It’s strange and maybe slightly sick as it sounds, everyone has their own
moral red line that they will cross and not cross. I was willing to look at child pornography even though I knew it was wrong, possibly
just rationalising it in a way in my own head that wasn't hurting any child because it's already been done way before I was involved
with it. But the red line for me was never to actually touch a child.
James: Ok. How come? How come you had that red line?
I: I think because I knew anecdotally the damage that it did to a child. And it sounds really strange when someone who's a pedophile
says this, but … because I think I was also a product of arrested development. Children were almost my peer group, in many ways
emotionally, not intellectually. I certainly functional well intellectually but emotionally they were my peer group. If I went to
somebody's house. Like when I was coaching and we had kids that we were coaching, the parents would invite us over, the kids would
go out to play. I always felt bad that I had to stay with the adults. So I think I had a certain empathy for children they were like my
peer group and I didn't want to hurt any of them. Also, and then intellectually –– plus the fact like I said, I knew the damage that that
would do to a child I just couldn't ever imagine myself doing that to somebody.

Interview part 2
James: Right. And that red line never moved during that 20 years?
I: No. It was more than 20 years. But no.
James: How close did you get to the red line?
I: Only in my mind. Only. Never. And I had, you know, I had opportunity – I’ll put it that way – to do it. I coached for years. I used to
work with – and teach hitting in baseball. In my [inaudible] and I worked with adults as well. I didn't do this as a trap to get children
there, I did it because I want to teach kids how to hit. But I'm saying the opportunity was there if I wanted to try to do. But I never
did.
James: So was there anything else in the moment when you had those opportunities and you didn’t carry on? Anything else about what
happened in the moment?
I: Well I think there's two sets of consequences, in my mind at least. One is obviously the legal ramifications of doing something like
that. More important for me, like I said it's always the effect this would have on a child. I just couldn’t – I actually love kids, I’m
talking about non-sexually. I just love being around kids like I said, they were like my peer group –– all the things that make me a
good coach because I could relate to them more on their level, a lot of times because I felt like I was at that level, but never – there
was always that wall that would come up that I couldn’t, I could never do that [inaudible] And it's just – and no matter how close I
wanted to get to doing it. I couldn't get there.
Penny: Because that wall would come up.
I: Right. Right. A wall of ‘you can't do this to a child’. You’re going to ruin –– You know whatever age they were, 12 or 13, you’re going to
ruin the rest of their lives. I just couldn’t see myself doing it.
Penny: And so you said always that wall would come up, that wall that you can't do this to a child. So I'm going to ask you an unusual
question, which is, is there anything else about that wall, where did that will come up, in your in your perceptual space?
I: Sort of it's in my head I guess. I mean I never thought of it that way, like I didn't physically see a wall in front of me. There was an
emotional wall, I guess maybe a cognitive wall that would come up in my brain saying “you can't do that no matter how much you
want to” – pedophiles want to, there’s no pedophile that doesn’t want to, but no matter how much I wanted to, there was just “No”,
almost like a giant stop sign in my head. You can’t go there.
James: And like a giant stop sign. So I am going to ask you a few more questions which is, So what kind of wall is the wall that came up?
I: What kind of wall?

Interview part 3
James: Yeah, there are lots of different kinds of walls, what kind of wall is your wall?
I: Even if I wanted to break through, I don't think I could have.
James: You couldn’t breakthrough and it was like a giant stop sign. Anything else about it being like a giant stop sign that you couldn't break
through?
I: No, I don't think so.
Penny: And when you say that wall came up, where was that wall before it came up?
I: I’ll say one thing, you’re asking me questions no one has ever asked me before. Where was that wall? I think the wall is always there.
It's like, it's probably like when we close the garage door. You know when it's open, you know it's there but you don't know until you
actually need it. It's just sort of hidden somewhere, probably in the recesses of my mind somewhere. But I knew it was always there
and I knew when I got tempted, the wall would always be there because there’s no way I would ever do that.
James: OK so you knew it was always there, you knew if you got tempted it would always be there. So where could a wall like that have come
from?
I: So that’s what the wall is, I guess, I think it's born from empathy. I like that. I knew ‘I couldn't do this to somebody else’ is where that
comes from. It's a hard question. It's hard to know why. I mean I know that's what you're studying. It's hard to know why some
people do and some don't. That's how I – in my own mind it really comes down to basic empathy and where that comes from why
some people have that empathy and why some people don't seem to have it. For me it's like a struggle between empathy and the
powerful feelings that you have and which one is going to win out.
I: I guess to me sort of a battle between empathy you have, you know whether or not that empathy is going to overpower the feelings
that you have, and which one is going to win out, sort of a battle, a constant battle I guess. Some people just let the – they don’t have
empathy or they just find a way to push it aside so they can offend because that's what they want to do. Well you know I've watched
other pedophiles try to describe things. And I always feel the mistake that they make is, that they talk about you know that this is
what I am, you have to accept that. And that's not how I feel about this. I don't accept it in myself. I don't think that this should be
accepted. That probably goes with the feelings I have about empathy as well.

A schema of what stands out & resources
Moral Red Line
Wants to
touch a child
Impenetrable
EMPATHY
You can’t do this
Does damage
Ruin their lives
+ Illegal
Born from
TEMPTATION
Powerful feelings
of wanting to touch
EMPATHY
Don’t want to hurt
Teeter-Totter
OVERPOWER

James Lawley & Penny Tompkins, 2018, cleanlanguage.co.uk 10
Summary of six interviewees
Inter
view*
Age Offence committed Sentence served Non-offending since
2 50’s Illegal material involving children. - 3 times in prison.
- Last released 3 years ago.
- “2 years free-ish” before last
prison term.
- “I’ve been 10 months clean”
3 60’s - As 12-yr old attempted rape of 2 girls 7-8 yrs old.
- Refutes allegation of molesting 10-yr old girl.
- “7 times where I did something that I was
uncomfortable with but may or may not be
prosecuted for.”
No charges filed. - Last act 10 years ago.
- Before that 20 years ago.
4 50’s Started “hunting child pornography” as a 20 year
old. Viewed almost very night for 30 years. “I never
touched a child.”
Arrested 2012. Served 90-day
sentence and 3-year probation
for possession of illegal images.
Not offended since arrested.
5 30’s - Viewing sexual abuse images including children.
- 5 years ago, inappropriately touched a boy two or
three times a month for six months, “No
penetration.”
- One month in jail.
- 5 years probation.
Not offended since arrested.
6 20’s Hacking into a woman’s social media four times
over two years to obtain explicit sexual images.
None. 2 months.
7 20’s “Possession, accessing and sharing child
pornography.” Started 5 years ago.
Awaiting trial. - Clean for 8 months.
- Relapsed a month ago,
“which led me to turn myself
in.”
* Interview #1 excluded as did not meet the criteria for the research.

Metaphors used by Interviewees
Power metaphors
Struggle / ﬁght / battle / teeter-totter #3, #4, #5, #6, #7
Control (or lack of) #2, #3, #5, #6, #7
Feelings too strong / powerful /overwhelming #2, #4, #6, #7
Addiction / compulsion / drug #2, #3, #7
Evil / demon / malicious part #3, #6
Spatial metaphors
At/up to that point #3, #4, #5, #6
Moral/red line / point of no return / cross the line #3, #4, #6, #7
Step away/back / close/distance #2, #3, #6
Switch / gateway #2, #5, #6
Cycle #2, #4, #6
Moral compass #3, #7
Organic metaphors
Feeding #2, #6,
Idea brewed / seeds planted #6, #7

Some General Conclusions - 1
❖ Multiple choice points
❖ Use of metaphor
❖ Conﬂicting intentions
❖ Thresholds after which no control
❖ Compared self to others on spectrum of offences
❖ Even after years of therapy some had very low awareness of:
How they did not offend
Their embodied experience

Some General Conclusions - 2
❖ Perceptual patterns structurally similar to addiction.
❖ Patterns of both offending & non-offending involved
self-perpetuating structures, bound by own logic.
❖ Successful strategies had both strong ‘towards’ and
‘away-from’ motivations:
Towards: - Maintain family relationships
- Strong future image of non-offending self
- Help other offenders
Away-From: - Actual experience (not threats)
- Unbreakable coping mechanisms
- Recognised potential to reoffend

14
What is a metaphor? - 1

What is a metaphor? - 2
“The essence of metaphor is understanding and experiencing
one kind of thing in terms of another.”
Lakoff & Johnson, Metaphors We Live By

Common Metaphors for Self-regulation
Fight the pull
Curb the urge
Control myself
Restrain myself
Not give in to …
Hold myself back
Turn my back on it
Curtail the impulse
Repress my desires
Constrain my craving
Resist the temptation
Counter the compulsion
Overcome my tendencies
Keep my hankering in check
Withhold permission from myself
Show strength of character
Enforce my resolve
Use my will power
Self-discipline
Be prudent

What’s different about the last 5?
Fight the pull
Curb the urge
Control myself
Restrain myself
Not give in to …
Hold myself back
Turn my back on it
Curtail the impulse
Repress my desires
Constrain my craving
Resist the temptation
Counter the compulsion
Overcome my tendencies
Keep my hankering in check
Withhold permission from myself
Show strength of character
Enforce my resolve
Use my will power
Self-discipline
Be prudent

Activity 2
Identify & Develop a Personal Metaphor
❖ Context: A moment you had the “impulse” to act in a way that would not
be in your or someone else’s best interest and you did not act on the
impulse.
❖ What is your expression for not acting on the impulse?
❖ And when you [their term for not acting on the impulse], that’s like what?
❖ Use these Clean Language questions to facilitate the ‘client’ to elaborate
their metaphor:
And what kind of […] is that […]?
And is there anything else about […]?
And where/whereabouts is […]?

A simple model of ‘Attraction to Action’
ACTBefore After
DESIRE /
ATTRACTION
IMPULSE TO ACT

Two features required
to modulate* ‘Attraction to Action’
ACTBefore After
DESIRE /
ATTRACTION
IMPULSE TO ACT
AWARENESS OF OWN SIGNALS and DESIRED OUTCOME RETENTION
* Modulation is a neurological “process that resists, but does not negate.
It is the imposition of necessary distance, or delay, enabling something
new to come forward.”
! Iain McGilchrist, The Master and His Emissary.

Potential Choice Points in ‘Attraction to Action’ Model
ACTBefore
A B C D E F G
AfterIMPULSE TO ACT
DESIRE /
ATTRACTION
H
AWARENESS OF SIGNALS and DESIRED OUTCOME RETENTION
A = Before experience desire.
B = Starting to experience a desire
C = During the desire and before impulse to act.
D = At the beginning of an impulse to act.
E = Just before acting.
F = Starting to act.
G = During the act.
H = After the offence or not offending

Activity 3
Second Transcript Review
1. Read the following transcript and identify (mark on handout):
- Indicators of Choice Points
- Metaphors
2. Get with two people and compare your answers

Activity 3
Where are ‘Choice Points’ indicated? - part 1
I’d taken my work phone [home] with me, because I thought, right, it's been a couple of
months, I've not acted out. I'll listen to some music I want to listen to when I go to sleep
tonight, which I haven't done in ages, it was one of the things I really missed from not
having my iPhone. It turned out to be fatal, obviously
It’s almost like another part of you had been deluding yourself subconsciously. ‘Cause I
can go back and look at most of the experiences and you can sort of see the seeds being
planted for the acting out. You’re doing it completely subconsciously. And as soon as I got
into bed and the phone was there, the pretence or the delusion that I was having for music
just disappeared completely.
The last time it happened, the last time I acted out, basically I got my work phone for what
I thought were innocent purposes. When I got to bed all of that disappeared and it turned
out that it was actually a more malicious part of me subconsciously that was thinking,
‘Yes, let’s use this opportunity. You've deluded everyone around you, they all think you
are using it for music – you deluded yourself because you've managed to convince them
so well that you’re ﬁne that you’ve convinced yourself also. Get into bed and [inaudible]” –
again, another switch – ’Let’s do this, you’ve got the opportunity.’

Where are Choice Points indicated? - part 2
I just started getting that thought brewing in my forehead again. Eventually it ﬁltered down
and into my chest and when I started the getting the butterﬂies in my stomach, I started
thinking ‘Can I get access to anything here?’.
As soon as I got into bed and I started to feel the way I feel when I can feel the thoughts
coming on. I could've got out of bed and put my phone away and locked it away somewhere
or given it to my Dad or my Mum. ‘Take care of this tonight, I don't trust myself anymore.’
Which I didn't do. And I guess partly that is the embarrassment of having to go to my
parents and saying ‘I don't trust myself not to act out, can you look after this?’ I’m trying, I
guess, to brave through it.
Probably at that point I could have done something as well. I would have had the capability.
It wasn't beyond my control. Then I was still thinking rationally and you know you are
thinking rationally because you have the feeling of guilt.
And I probably would have had that feeling – the last minutes of being in control properly
would have been just before I got into bed, or just before I decided to download the app to
be able to login to the social media I wanted to log into. Right up until the point of logging
in I probably could still say ‘no’.

Where Choice Points are indicated - part 1
I’d taken my work phone [home] with me, because I thought, right, it's been a couple of
months, I've not acted out. I'll listen to some music I want to listen to when I go to sleep
tonight, which I haven't done in ages, it was one of the things I really missed from not
having my iPhone. It turned out to be fatal.
It’s almost like another part of you had been deluding yourself subconsciously. ‘Cause I
can go back and look at most of the experiences and you can sort of see the seeds being
planted for the acting out. You’re doing it completely subconsciously. And as soon as I got
into bed and the phone was there, the pretence or the delusion that I was having for
music just disappeared completely.
The last time it happened, the last time I acted out, basically I got my work phone for what
I thought were innocent purposes. When I got to bed all of that disappeared and it turned
out that it was actually a more malicious part of me subconsciously that was thinking,
‘Yes, let’s use this opportunity. You've deluded everyone around you, they all think you
are using it for music – you deluded yourself because you've managed to convince them
so well that you’re ﬁne that you’ve convinced yourself also Get into bed and [inaudible]” –
again – another switch – ’Let’s do this, you’ve got the opportunity.’

Where Choice Points are indicated - part 2
I just started getting that thought brewing in my forehead again. Eventually it ﬁltered
down and into my chest and when I started the getting the butterﬂies in my stomach, I
started thinking ‘Can I get access to anything here?’.
As soon as I got into bed and I started to feel the way I feel when I can feel the thoughts
coming on. I could've got out of bed and put my phone away and locked it away somewhere
or given it to my Dad or my Mum. ‘Take care of this tonight, I don't trust myself anymore.’
Which I didn't do. And I guess partly that is the embarrassment of having to go to my
parents and saying ‘I don't trust myself not to act out, can you look after this?’ I’m trying, I
guess, to brave through it.
Probably at that point I could have done something. I would have had the capability. It
wasn't beyond my control. Then I was still thinking rationally and you know you are thinking
rationally because you have the feeling of guilt.
And I probably would have had that feeling – the last minutes of being in control properly
would have been just before I got into bed, or just before I decided to download the app to
be able to login to the social media I wanted to log into. Right up until the point of logging
in I probably could still say ‘no’.

Working with Choice Points (CP) - 1
ACTBefore After
DESIRE /
ATTRACTION
IMPULSE TO ACT
T
Threshold
T-1T-2T-3T-1T-2T-3
CPCP CP

Working with Choice Points - 2
1. Identify Choice Point (at a moment in time).
2. Develop an embodied perception:
And how do you [#1] ?
Etc.
3. Identify desired outcome at that moment:
And when [#2], what would you like to have happen?
4. Develop embodied desired outcome.
5. Explore effects of [#4].
And when [#4], then what happens?
And when [#4], what happens to [an aspect of #2]?

James Lawley & Penny Tompkins, 2018, cleanlanguage.co.uk 29
David Grove's Basic Clean Language questions
by 4 fundamental modelling processes
Relate over Time
And then what happens?
or
And what happens next?
Relate over Time
And what happens
just before [event]?
Relate across Space
And when/as [X], what happens to [Y]?
Identify
And what would you like to have happen?
And how to you know […]?
And that's […] like what?
[…] = Client’s exact words.
Direction of their attention.
Develop Form
And what kind of […] is that […]?
And is there anything else about […]?
And where/whereabouts is […]?

Although Carl Sagan was talking about science
He could have said:
Working therapeutically with sex offenders requires
“a delicate balance between no-holds-barred openness,
and the most rigorous skeptical scrutiny.”
brainpickings.org/2015/11/09/carl-sagan-science-democracy/

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