Making a Heart to Heart Connection with Your Kid session 4

MAKING A HEART TO HEART
CONNECTION WITH YOUR KID
SESSION 4-RELATIONSHIP &
OPERATING FROM OUR STRENGTHS

Summary of Prior Sessions
 Mission Statement-What’s your bottom-line?
We’ve developed a parenting mission
statement with the following keys:
 Love/Relationship
 Freedom
 Moving from external control to self-c0ntrol
 Moving from total dependence to independence
 Choices

 Strategy Development
 Shifting from the Disrespect Factory to the Honor
Factory

 Strategy Development
 Keys to shifting
 You’re the model
 You’re powerful! You must control you no matter what
your child does-disrespect, emotional outbursts, &
other crisis!
 Communicate with your kids
 Include your kids into the process

Summary of Prior Session
 Love is a Key
 Our ability to keep our love “on” & communicate
love in our kids love language helps to create a
safe place for them to practice making choices &
learn self-control
 Did you share with your kids? How did it go?
 Did your kids take the Love Languages assessment?
What did you learn?
 When people are loved & accepted we create a
space for the very best of them to emerge & for
them to discover who they are & why they are
here

Today’s Session-Strengths-
Using Ours & Seeing Others
 What is a strength?
 Why learn your strengths?
 Paradigm Shift…again!
 StrengthsFinder 2.0

What is a Strength?
 Strength (Free Dictionary Online)
 The state, property, or quality of being strong.
 The power to resist attack; impregnability.
 The power to resist strain or stress; durability.
 A strength is an activity, talent or quality that
makes you feel strong & will sustain & fulfill
you as you move through life.

Why Learn Your Strengths?
 Gallup surveyed over 10 million people
 Only 1 in 3 strongly agreed with the following-”At
work, I have the opportunity to do what I do best
every day.”
 In a recent poll of 1,000 people of those who
responded “strongly disagree” or “disagree” with
the above statement, not one single person was
emotionally engaged on the job.
 Only 17% of the workforce gets to play to their
strengths & are engaged at work.

 Gallup studies have shown that people who
do have the opportunity to focus on their
strengths everyday are
 Six times more likely to be engaged in their jobs
 Three times more likely to report having an
excellent quality of life in general.

If the people around chance of you being
you primarily actively disengaged
Ignore you 40%
Focus on weaknesses 22%
Focus on strengths 1%

 When your not using your strengths
 You dread going to work/school
 Have more negative interactions than positive
interactions with people
 Treat people poorly
 Achieve less on a daily basis
 Have fewer creative & positive moments.
 When using your strengths
 Increase in your confidence, direction, hope and
kindness towards others.

Paradigm Shift
 The aim of most learning programs is to help
us become who we are not.
 No talent with numbers? Still forced to spend
time in order to get a degree.
 Not empathic? You get sent to a course designed
to infuse empathy into your personality.
 We create icons out of people who struggle to
overcome a lack of natural talent.
 Rudy Ruettiger, 1993 movie Rudy

Paradigm Shift
 Our culture is infused with books, movies and
folklore that highlight the underdog who beats
one-in-a-million odds.
 This has lead us to celebrate those who
overcome their lack of natural ability even more
than we recognize those who capitalize on their
innate talents.
 As a result, we see these “heroes” as being the
epitome of the American Dream & we set out to
conquer our major weaknesses/challenges.

Paradigm Shift
 Your child comes home with the following
grades:
 Algebra A
 History A
 English F
 Science C
Which grade should you focus on?
 77% of parents said they would focus on the F.
Think about this, we are actually rewarding
excellence with apathy, instead of investing
more time in the areas where a child has the
most potential for greatness.

Lies We Believe & the Truth
 Lies
 As you grow, you
change.
 You grow the most by
focusing on your
weaknesses & improving
them.
 You must put aside your
strengths & do whatever
the team needs you to
do to win.
 Truth
 As you grow, you
become more & more of
who you already are.
 You grow the most in
your area of strength.
 The team needs you to
bring all of your
strengths to the table so
that they can win.

StrengthsFinder Overview
 Culmination of 50 years of research by Dr.
Donald O. Clifton & team.
 The Father of Strengths Based Psychology &
creator of StrengthFinder.
 34Themes of talent or classification of talents
 4 Leadership Domains of Strength

The 34 Talents Grouped by
the 4 Leadership Domains

Talent Themes Summary
Leadership StrengthFinder
Domain Theme Summary Need Love Dislike Example
Executing Achiever Constant need for achievement every day,
a drive to do more.
Constant sense of
accomplishment.
Finishing a job or
task.
A day with no form
of achievement,
slackering.
Indiana
Jones
Influencing Activator Impatient for action. Once a decision is
made, you cannot not act. You believe
that action is the best device for learning.
To act, you can
discuss along the
way.
Movement,
catalyzing others
into building
momentum.
Inaction,
deliberation & long
meetings
Green
Lantern
Relational Adaptability You are a very flexible person who can
stay productive when the demands of
work are pulling you in many different
directions at once.
Ability to respond to
the needs of the
moment.
Constantly changing
circumstances,
variety.
Rigid, structure,
routine &
predictability.
McGyver
Strategic Analytical You see yourself as objective and
dispassionate. You like data because they
are value free. They have no agenda.
Armed with these data, you search for
patterns and connections. You want to
understand how certain patterns affect
one another.
Data, facts, concrete
proof & time to
process.
Turning info & data
into facts to build a
case.
Unsubstantiated
theories
Sherlock
Holmes
Executing Arranger Manages & aligns multiple variables,
devises new options to achieve best
results.
Ability to change
things.
Looking for the
perfect
configuration.
Rigidity & inability to
try new ways.
Coaches

Talent Theme Summary
Executing Belief Core values provide direction & guide
decision making.
Work that aligns
with beliefs.
Opportunity t
express beliefs.
Tasks that go against
belief or have no
purpose
Maximus
Influencing Command Takes charge, compelled to share facts
and take risks.
You need things to
be clear between
people and
challenge them to
be clear-eyed and
honest.
Being in leadership
roles.
Passive or unclear
leadership.
Brave
heart
Influencing Communication Likes to explain, host, speak & write. Can
easily put thoughts into words so that
others can feel it.
Opportunity to
express ideas,
Developing thoughts
that capture others.
Silence or
inexpressive
communication.
Story
tellers
Influencing Competition Compares personal performance to
others.
To win or beat
standard.
Contests &
measurement
because it facilitates
comparisons.
Less than best
effort.
Olympic
athletes
Relational Connectedness All are part of the bigger picture. We are
responsible for each other.
To be part of
something bigger
than themselves.
Finding connections. Segregation Rafiki
Executing Consistency Treats people the same, provides rules,
guards against unfair advantages.
To be a guardian of
fairness.
Predictability & even
handedness.
Special favors &
unfair advantages.
Judge
Judy

Strategic Context Looks back to understand the present An understanding of
how we got here to
get to future.
Learning from the
past.
Ignorance of
historical events.
Supreme
Court
Justices
Executing Deliberative Careful, vigilant, private & serious Time to process
information before
making a decision.
Providing advice or
counsel.
Hasty, poorly
thought through
action
Monk
Relational Developer Sees potential in others & wants to help
them succeed.
To build someone or
something.
Recognizing
progress.
Low self-motivation. Tony
Robbins
Executing Discipline Needs order, planning & structure to
provide predictability in a world of chaos.
Predictability &
order.
Routine, structure,
feeling in control.
Surprises &
impatient with
errors/mistakes.
Walle
Relational Empathy Senses the emotions of others &
anticipates their needs.
Freedom to express
emotions.
Full range of
emotions/
expressions.
Insensitivity to
others feelings.
Mother
Teresa
Executing Focus Clear destination, goal & efficiancy To set goals. Keeping everone on
point.
Delays, obstacles,
and tangents, no
matter how
intriguing they
appear to be.
Michael
Jordan
Strategic Futuristic Fascinated by the future, dreams of what
could be.
Freedom to explore
possibilities.
Dreaming how
things could be.
Stuck in the status
quo.
Jewels
Vern

Relational Harmony Looks for areas of agreement,
compromises objectives, steers away
from conflict.
Find areas of
agreement.
Building unity for
the common good.
Ongoing
disagreement.
Kaffi
Anan
Strategic Ideation Fascinated by ideas, concepts that
connect, explain & enlighten.
Time to investigate
new thoughts &
possibilities.
New ways of doing
things.
Doing things the
same way.
Steven
Spielberg
Relational Includer Everyone is important & should be
included.
Opportunity to
invite others to the
table.
Stretching the circle
wider.
Exclusivity, people
feeling like they are
on the outside
looking in.
Dorothy
in Oz
Relational Individualization Focuses on the differences & unique
qualities of people.
Uniqueness of each
person.
Generalizations &
stereotyping.
Strategic Input Inquisitive, collects things, appreciates
infinity variety and complexity.
Somewhere to
store gathered info.
Supplying info
people need.
Not having
information or
resources.
Tour
Guide
Strategic Intellection Thinker, enjoys introspection & reflection Time to
ponder/process.
Thinking things
through.
Moving w/o time to
think.
The
Thinker
Strategic Learner Drawn to the process of learning. The
process of learning is exciting for you.
The outcome of the learning is less
significant than the “getting there.”
Access to new
information.
Process of learning. No hunger for
learning.
Profes-
sional
Student
Influencing Maximizer Transforming something strong into
something superb by cultivating
strengths.
Ability to nurture &
develop others.
Excellence! Focusing on
weaknesses.
Life
Coaches

Relational Positivity Generous with praise, quick to smile, and
always on the lookout for the positive in the
situation. You celebrate every achievement.
You find ways to make everything more
exciting and more vital.
Ability to express
energy &
enthusiasm.
Seeing & expressing
the best.
Negativity &
cynacism.
Tigger
Relational Relator Pulled towards people you already know &
developing intimacy. Developing deep &
meaningful relationships.
Time to foster
genuine
relationships.
Deep, intimate
conversations/relatio
nships
New social
environments.
Samwise
from LOR
Executing Responsibility You take psychological ownership for
anything you commit to, and whether large
or small, you feel emotionally bound to
follow it through to completion. Your
conscientiousness and your impeccable
ethics, combine to create your reputation:
utterly dependable.
Meet commitments. Being considered
dependable.
Apologies, excuses &
rationalizations for
unmet commitments.
Frodo
Executing Restorative You love to solve problems. You enjoy the
challenge of analyzing the symptoms,
identifying what is wrong, and finding the
solution.
Time to analyze the
symptoms, identify
what is wrong, and
find the solution.
Bringing things back
to life.
Denial Nancy
Drew
Influencing Self-Assurance You have faith in your strengths. You have
confidence not only in your abilities but in
your judgment.
Authority &
accountability to live
your life.
Startup situations
where there are no
rule books.
People who tell you
what to think.
Thor

Influencing Significance You want to be recognized. You want to
be heard. You want to stand out. You want
to be known. In particular, you want to be
known and appreciated for the unique
strengths you bring.
You feel a need to
be admired as
credible,
professional, and
successful.
Having free reign,
leeway to do things
your way.
Mediocrity
Strategic Strategic You sort through the clutter and find the
best route. You see patterns where others
simply see complexity.
Freedom to explore
& adjust.
Seeing alternatives
that others didn't.
Unwillingness to
explore.
Data Star
Trek
Influencing Woo Winning others over. You enjoy the
challenge of meeting new people and
getting them to like you.
Opportunities to
meet new people
every day.
Making new
connections.
Limited social
variability.
Princess
Diana

Understanding Your
Individual Strengths

Using Your Strengths in
Parenting & Other Roles

How Unique Are You?
 Top 5 strengths in any order: 1 in 275,000
 Top 5 strengths in order: 1 in 33,000,000
 Top 10 strengths in any order: 1 in 447 trillion
 Truly embracing the mysteries of our
uniqueness.
 Unreasonable to expect another individual to be
like you.

Valuing Our Diversity
 Valuing diversity as part of what makes us
complete & whole.
 I want you to play to your strengths, because it
benefits the team!
 If you don’t bring your piece of the puzzle to the table
the picture is incomplete!

Strategies for Using Our
Strengths
 What are your kids strengths?
 Observation
 StrengthsQuest & StrengthsExplorer
 What can you do to create a safe place for
your kids to discover their strengths?
 How can you lower anxiety/fear in your
relationship?
 What can you do to give them the freedom to
use their strengths?

Making a Heart to Heart Connection with Your Kid session 4

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Making a Heart to Heart Connection with Your Kid session 4