1. MAKING A HEART TO HEART
CONNECTION WITH YOUR KID
SESSION 3-RELATIONSHIP &
LOVE LANGUAGES

2. Summary of Prior Sessions
 Mission Statement-What’s your bottom-line?
We’ve developed a parenting mission
statement with the following keys:
 Love/Relationship
 Freedom
 Moving from external control to self-c0ntrol
 Moving from total dependence to independence
 Choices

3. Summary of Prior Sessions
 Strategy Development
 Shifting from the Disrespect Factory to the Honor
Factory

4. Summary of Prior Sessions
 Strategy Development
 Keys to shifting
 You’re the model
 You’re powerful! You must control you no matter what
your child does-disrespect, emotional outbursts, &
other crisis!
 Communicate with your kids
 Include your kids into the process

5. Session 3-Relationship &
Love Languages
 Let’s Talk About Love
 The 5 Love Languages
 What’s Your Love Language?
 Making It Real for You!
 Wrap Up

6. Let’s Talk About Love
 What is love?
 A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
 A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for
a parent, child, or friend.
 Sexual passion or desire.
 What are some qualities/characteristics of love? (Examples
provided by class participants)
 Never ending, unconditional
 A choice to keep “on”
 Willing to be vulnerable
 Sacrificing
 Accepting
 Patient
 Kind

7. Let’s Talk About Love
 Do You Really Need Love?
Abraham Maslow
Psychologist

8. Let’s Talk About Love
 What happens when we are loved?
 Dopamine, a neurotransmitter in the brain,
increases.
 You are more motivated/courageous
 Physically more healthy
 Improves our mood-we are happier!
 Improves our ability to learn
 Reduces anxiety
 Calms & eliminates fear
 Creates a pathway for the best in us to show up

9. Let’s Talk About Love
 What happens when we don’t get love?
 Babies who are not held & touched have vastly
different hormone levels
 Stress hormones are elevated
 Social bonding & emotion hormones were
depressed for extended periods.
 Physically & emotionally develop slower than
babies that are held & touched

10. Let’s Talk About Love
 People who are not loved start developing unhealthy
behavior patterns to compensate.
 Act irresponsibly in a desperate attempt to get attention.
 Attention is a poor substitute for love but it seems better than
nothing at all.
 Develop physical symptoms that bring us sympathy and
concern.
 The symptoms cause us genuine pain, but the pain of sickness
is more bearable than the pain of admitting that nobody cares.
 Angrily lash out at those whom we think should care or try
to run away from them and hide.
 In either case, we are trying to protect ourselves from the hurt
they are causing us by their lack of concern and love.

11. Let’s Talk About Love
In order for a car to function
properly you need to fill its In order for people to
tank with gas. function properly they need
to fill their tank with love.

12. Let’s Talk About Love
 Where’s Your Love Tank?
 Full Tank
 We feel safe and secure.
 We have the ability to reach our full potential
 We have the energy and patience to give love to those
around us.
 Empty Tank
 We feel empty, overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, sad, you
name it
 We act out of how we feel, and treat others the same,
which can ultimately decrease their love tanks too.

13. Where’s Your Love Tank?
 Make a mental image of a love tank
 Where would you rate your love tank?
 Where would you rate the love tanks of people
around you?

14. The 5 Love Languages
 Developed by Dr. Gary Chapman
 Identified a pattern:
 Everyone he counseled had a primary way of
expressing and interpreting love or a love
language.
 He also discovered people are usually drawn to
those who speak a different love language than
their own.

15. The 5 Love Languages
 Five love languages proved to be universal
 Everyone has a love language
 We primarily identify with one of the five love
languages:
 Words of Affirmation
 Quality Time
 Receiving Gifts
 Acts of Service
 Physical Touch.

16. What’s Your Love Language?
 Assessments
 Singles
 Wives
 Husbands
 Teens
 Children
 Each assessment consists of 30 pair of
statements. Circle the one statement that best
represents your preference.
 Once you’ve completed all 30, count the number
of times you circled each individual letter & write
in the appropriate blank at the end of the profile.

17. The 5 Love Languages-Words
of Affirmation
 Unsolicited compliments mean the world to you.
 Actions don’t always speak louder than words.
 Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—
hearing the reasons behind that love sends your
spirits skyward.
 Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily
forgotten.

18. The 5 Love Languages-
Quality Time
 Nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided
attention.
 Being there for this type of person is critical, but really
being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and
all chores and tasks on standby—makes your
significant other feel truly special and loved.
 Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen
can be especially hurtful.

19. The 5 Love Languages-
Receiving Gifts
 Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the
receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and
effort behind the gift.
 If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows
that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized
above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.
 A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift
would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday
gestures.

20. The 5 Love Languages-
Acts of Service
 Can raking leaves really be an expression of love?
Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of
responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will
speak volumes.
 The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for
you.”
 Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for
them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t
matter.

21. The 5 Love Languages-
Physical Touch
 A person whose primary language is Physical
Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy.
 Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful
touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be
ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.
 Physical presence and accessibility are crucial,
while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and
destructive.

22. Making It Real For You!
Words of
Affirmation
Acts of
Service
Love Quality
Time
Receiving
Gifts
Physical
Touch

23. Making It Real for You
 How often do you focus on your child’s love tank? How successful have you been
at keeping it filled?
 What are some of the things that can cause one’s tank to dry up?
 Of all the times you have felt love for, or expressed love to your child, have there
been occasions when that expression of love was conditional – that is, based on
something she or he did, rather than who she or he is? Do you ever express love
“just because?”
 Share a time when your love toward your children has come across as
conditional. What do you do in those times you may not “like” your child very
much? How can we learn to love our kids unconditionally—and act that out?
 What are some things you could do over the next week to fill up that tank?
 How did your parents fill your emotional love tank – or not? What can you learn
from your childhood experience as you seek to love your own child?
 How do you respond when your child makes a mistake?
 How could you respond when your child makes a mistake that lowers their
anxiety & fear?

24. Making It Real For You
Physical Touch
 Were your parents physically affectionate – or not? What
effect does this have on you today?
 What are some age appropriate forms of physical touch?
 Identify opportunities to put these into practice.
 Over the next week increase your physical touch with your
children, but make it age-appropriate as well as what fits
each child’s unique personality.
 Practical Examples from class participants
 Hugs & Kisses
 Back rubs & Scratches
 High Fives, Fist Bumps
 Holding Hands, Arms around shoulders
 Safe, fun wrestling & tickling
 Manicures & Pedicures

25. Making It Real For You
Words of Affirmation
 Think about positive and negative words from your childhood.
What impact did they have, both at the time and over the long
term?
 Have you seen a similar impact in your own kids from words
spoken by you or your spouse? How could you make up for
negative or angry words?
 Are you comfortable giving & receiving affirming words?
 Where does your discomfort come from?
 How can you overcome your discomfort to communicate
meaningfully to those you love?
 Practical Examples from class participants
 Verbal praises & encouraging words
 Notes in lunches, backpacks, throughout the house
 Cards
 Text messages

26. Making It Real For You
Quality Time
 How much quality time—that is, time spent with your child
beyond meeting their essential needs—have you given
each of your children during the past week?
 Look back over the past month. What got in the way of
spending time with your kids?
 What are some ways you could spend quality time with
your kids?
 Practical Examples from class participants
 Undistracted talking to each other
 Playing games together
 Shopping
 Road trips
 Singing, listening to music

27. Making It Real For You
Gifts
 Think of a gift you received, either as an adult or a child, that
really meant a lot to you. Why? What does this tell you about
yourself?
 Think back carefully to a gift you’ve given with mixed motives (be
honest). Has there ever been a hint of payback, bribery, or even
materialism or personal vanity?
 What are some ways we can deal with materialism with our kids?
 How can we teach our kids to be generous?
 What are some examples of gifts that you could give to your
kids?
 Practical Examples provided by class participants
 Gum, candy, small things.
 Cards
 Flowers

28. Making It Real For You
Acts of Service
 Do your children ever see you serving someone else beyond
the family?
 Do you do “too much” for your kids?
 Would your child be better off if you taught him or her
some of these things?
 How do your kids respond when you ask them to perform
some act of service? What needs work in this area?
 What are examples of appropriate acts of service for our
children? (Examples provided by class participants.)
 Helping to do a chore
 Cook a favorite meal
 Drive them to their friend’s house
 Invite your child to invite their friend’s over

29. Making It Real For You

30. Wrap Up
 We’re shifting to The Honor Factory
 Our ability to keep our love “on” &
communicate love in our kids love
language helps to create a safe place
for them to practice making choices &
learn self-control
 Share with your kids what you learned
today & your heart
 Ask your kid to take the 5 Love Languages
Assessment.
 When people are loved & accepted we
create a space for the very best of
them to emerge & for them to discover
who they are & why they are here
 To learn more about the 5 Love
Languages visit
http://www.5lovelanguages.com