2. BeliminalAgile Cymru
Team Alignment and Engagement - Outline
What is a team ?
Alignment, the basis of team engagement
Deepening team engagement through
meaningful work
Relationships and connection
3. Beliminal
Conditions for High Performing Teams
Pub 2002, Based on 30 years research
Work teams perform poorly when leaders
have focused on the wrong things in
designing or supporting them
No leader can make a team perform well.
But all leaders can create conditions that
increase the likelihood that it will.
Agile Cymru
4. Beliminal
Conditions for increasing team success
Being a Real Team
Shared Task
Bounded
Stable
Interdependent
Agile Cymru
Source: Hackman – Leading Teams
5. Beliminal
Conditions for increasing team success
Compelling Direction
Clear goals
Clearly state how the team contributes to the
organization so that the team is aware of their own
contribution to the overall mission.
Agile Cymru
Source: Hackman – Leading Teams
6. Beliminal
Conditions for increasing team success
Enabling Structure
Collective work products
Task is meaningful to me
Autonomy is good - but the boundaries are clearly
understood
Norms of conducts – standards of behaviours
Agile Cymru
Source: Hackman – Leading Teams
7. Beliminal
Conditions for increasing team success
Supportive Context
Positive Rewards for excellent team performance
Training and technical expertise when it is needed -
Team fitness
Information is readily available to provide data to
plan and execute the work
Sufficient material resources
Agile Cymru
Source: Hackman – Leading Teams
8. Beliminal
Conditions for increasing team success
Expert Coaching
Must be easily available and on demand
Type and timing is important
Beginning, Middle and End
Agile Cymru
Source: Hackman – Leading Teams
10. Beliminal
Biggest Causes of Disengagement
Staff cannot understand how they plug into the
organisational strategy
When they don’t understand why what is
happening at work has an effect on them.
Employees who don’t understand the roles they
play in company success are more likely to
become disengaged.
Agile Cymru
11. Beliminal
Alignment to Strategy & Direction
Metrus Group Survey 2012
Only 14% of the organizations polled report that
their employees have a good understanding of
their company’s strategy and direction
Forbes July 2013
Survey of 20 Australian Companies
Even in high-performing companies with “clearly
articulated public strategies,” only 29% of their
employees can correctly identify their company’s
strategy out of six choices.
Agile Cymru
12. Beliminal
What can I do?
Derek Luckhurst ex (L&G) …
The What, the Why, and the What Else
What were the other options?
Why were they rejected?
What else did you think of?
This lays the groundwork for trust, transparency
and understanding …
Agile Cymru
14. Beliminal
Meaningful Work
Doesn’t have to be a profound importance
to Society
Perceive your work as contributing value
to something or someone who matters
(team, self or family)
• Useful and high quality product
• Provide a service for your community
• Focus on Customer Care
Make it personal …
Agile Cymru
Source: HBR's 10 Must Reads on Teams - The Power of small wins
15. Beliminal
What can I do?
Purpose Statement …
It says, “This is what we’re doing for someone
else.”
ING (“Empowering people to stay a step ahead in
life and in business”)
the Kellogg food company (“Nourishing families so
they can flourish and thrive”)
Align & support personal goals
16. Beliminal
Aligning Team to Organisational Strategy
Overall Product Purpose
Reach
Engagement
Resources
Team Purpose …
We build a tool that enables high uptake of easy to
make high quality formats
Uptake : Number of users, # of content items
created
High Quality Formats : % of people finishing a
quiz, quality of output
Easy : Design Time, Qualitative Feedback, low
# of support requests
Agile Cymru
17. Beliminal
Stripping work of its meaning ….
Dismiss the importance of employees work or
ideas
Destroy sense of ownership,
Frequent and abrupt reassignments
Solutionising for teams
The work may never see the light of day
Neglect to inform team members of changes in
customer priorities
Confusion of long or short term goals, Constrained
of ownership, lacking resources, lack sufficient time
to focus on meaningful work, “punish” failure
Agile Cymru
Source: HBR's 10 Must Reads on Teams - The Power of small wins
19. Beliminal
Quality of Relationships
I asked you to think about your values at the
beginning of the presentation …
If you were honouring those values how would you
want to be with each other if you were a team ??
Agree a set of team values
Agile Cymru
20. Beliminal
Quality of Relationships
How would you teams feel if you worked like that
every day?
How many experience those shared values on a
daily basis?
Agile Cymru
21. Beliminal
Lessons from the longest study on
happiness
Robert Waldinger : Director of a the Harvard Study
of Adult Development a 75 year old study
Started in 1938
268 Harvard Sophomores
456 12-16 yo boys from inner city Boston
Good relationships keep us happier and
healthier.
Close Relationships
Quality not Quantity of Relationships
Stable, supportive marriages
Society places a lot of emphasis on wealth and
"leaning in" to our work
People who fared the best were the people who
leaned in to relationships, with family, with
friends, with community."
Agile Cymru
22. Beliminal
Poor quality relationships
John & Julie Gottman
40 Years of relationship research
69% of relationship issues are perpetual
Predicted with 91% accuracy if a relationship
would last
Successful Relationships:
• 5:1 Ratio of positive to negative interactions
• Increasing positive interactions during conflict
• Reducing negative interactions during conflict
Agile Cymru
24. Beliminal
Blame or Criticism
A complaint addresses a specific failed action.
A criticism adds some negative words about your
partner’s character or personality.
People are often critical if they have an unmet want
or need
We often make up our own story about what is
happening beyond what is true
Agile Cymru
Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
25. Beliminal
Defensiveness
Defending one’s position with no attempt to move
to problem solving
We often defend ourselves when being criticised
We may not know how to move beyond our
feelings of vulnerability to listen to what the other
person is saying
We defend our actions in an attempt to be
understood
It’s ineffectual because the other person doesn't
feel heard
Agile Cymru
Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
26. Beliminal
Contempt
Includes sarcasm, belittling, mocking, cynicism,
name calling, and hostile humor.
Contempt is often a direct put down of another
person.
It often happens when we are feeling powerless or
inferior.
It serves the purpose of making the person who is
being contemptuous feel more in control or
superior.
Unfortunately, those feelings are often short-lived
and contempt can do considerable damage to the
relationship.
Agile Cymru
Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
27. Beliminal
Stonewalling
Includes cutting off communication, the silent
treatment, refusing to engage and withdrawal.
The desire of the person who is stonewalling is to
feel safe.
Trying to improve performance can feel unsafe.
Stonewalling is toxic because there is no way for
the relationship system to connect or move toward
joint problem solving.
Agile Cymru
Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
28. Beliminal
Antidotes to Team Toxins
Make Requests
- Address the behaviour you don’t like
- Use “I “ Statements
2% Truth
- Often we can’t identify with criticism
- What if 2% of what they say is true
Ventilate
- Provide a safe container to clear what
they are feeling
- As a coach be neutral
Take a time out
- If emotion is too high to access clear
thinking
Agile Cymru
Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
29. Beliminal
Antidotes to Team Toxins
Notice Rather than interpret
- What are the facts
- Distinguish between facts, thoughts
and feelings
Curiosity
- Inquisitive interest in other people's
concerns
Find common ground
- pay attention to shared interests and
common ground
Reach Out
- Repair Bids
Articulate Emotions
- When feelings are shared openly and
honestly trust is built
Agile Cymru
Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
30. Beliminal
Not Feeling Valued
Feeling spoken to with condescension and lack of
respect
Being treated unfairly
Not feeling appreciated
Not being listened to or feeling heard
Someone else taking credit for my work
Being kept waiting
Someone else’s sloppy work on a project I’m
overseeing
Feeling criticized or blamed
Unrealistic deadlines
People who think they know it all
Agile Cymru
Source : Schwartz, McCarthy, Gomes, - The Way We're Working Isn't Working
31. Beliminal
What are your key take aways
?
What action are you going to
take based on what you have
learnt?
Agile Cymru
Hello .. Who am I … coached these orgs over 10 years of Agile coaching – but last one felt something was missing – and have been searching doe it .. That has taken me on a journey to explore behavioural change an exploration of that has included – self discovery / realisation / and an exploration on the edges of Agile -- personal coaching, relationship coaching, team coaching and
Old ..
What is a Team ?
Team coaching, what and when
Personal & shared team values
Creating a compelling direction & measures
Setting a working agreement
Keeping a team energised through daily work, encouraging catalysts & nourishers, keeping at bay inhibitors and toxins
Locn 388 - -Lbof BI – what are u here ot do .. Make money – make sure there is a business going forward. Most basic goal is survival.
Ideas to maintain or improve it …. Striving or doing well is the company’s purpose …. Makes no sense to address individual needs ..
Luckhurst 2008 - – treat the group fairly
William Schiemann might have part of the answer—only 14% of the organizations he polled report that their employees have a good understanding of their company’s strategy and direction.
https://getpocket.com/a/read/169274444 2012
The article cites recent research which says that even in high-performing companies with “clearly articulated public strategies,” only 29% of their employees can correctly identify their company’s strategy out of six choices. Forbes July 2013
That means 70% (7 out of 10) of all employees (yes, even yours) are unknowingly misaligned with your company’s strategic direction.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnkotter/2013/07/09/heres-why-ceo-strategies-fall-on-deaf-ears/#15962b5d1ea7
The researchers asked employees of 20 major Australian corporations with clearly articulated public strategies to identify their employer’s strategy from among six choices. Just 29% answered correctly. The good news: The firms in the sample are all high performers, suggesting that a company can thrive even if employees are clueless about its long-term vision.
UK Survey Kingston Busienss Schoo;
See location 427 to 498 in the LB of BI
Put in Luckhurst’s Model to question the strategy
In Luckhurst’s model, “The What, the Why, and the What Else” are a series of questions enabling staff to scrutinise management thinking: what were the other options? Why were they rejected? What else did you think of?
Gartner, Jasmine (2015-03-15). Employee Engagement: a little book of Big Ideas (Kindle Locations 494-496). TINYBIG Books. Kindle Edition.
Other Chaeck list ???
“Achieving goals is often about making tradeoffs when things don’t go as planned. [Employees] need to understand the bigger picture to make those tradeoffs when things go wrong,” says Hill. No matter what level the employee is at, he should be able to articulate exactly how his efforts feed into the broader company strategy.
Engagement in work — which is associated with feeling valued, secure, supported, and respected (HBR 2015)
Actively ensuring youtr teams undersatdnds what the company strategy is, then find out their place in that ….
Option Based consultation …
Meanignful work is ….
Alignment, the basis of team engagement
Deepening Team Engagement - Meaningful Work
Jobs – 1983 – John Scully … Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do u want a chance to change the world”
Jobs – 1983 – John Scully … Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do u want a chance to change the world”
Appliances on line … for people who care … AO Of their service representatives dealing with customer complaints they ask them to consider “How would you treat your grandmother?”
For those dealing with customers … “When you go home tonight and you tell your family what you have done, can you be proud of what you did today (to serve AO.com customers)
Whether the goals are lofty or modest, as long as they are meaningful to the worker and it is clear how his or her efforts contribute to them, progress toward them can galvanize inner work life.
Katzenbach, Jon R.; Eisenhardt, Kathleen M.; Gratton, Lynda (2013-03-05). HBR's 10 Must Reads on Teams (with featured article The Discipline of Teams, by Jon R. Katzenbach and Douglas K. Smith) (Kindle Locations 1455-1456). Harvard Business Review Press. Kindle Edition.
https://hbr.org/2011/05/the-power-of-small-wins
Purpose is the external expression of what we stand for. The majority of people we meet lack a strong sense of purpose in their jobs, beyond taking home a paycheck and building their careers. Many of us are so busy trying to serve clients and customers— to simply do our jobs— that we don’t spend much time or energy thinking about what we really want or how our choices affect others. While selfishness makes us smaller and takes a toll on others, the costs of selflessness can be equally depleting. That’s especially true for nurses, teachers, social workers and others who work in the helping professions. Serving others can become so preoccupying that it occurs at expense to our own well-being and eventually to those we’re committed to serving. “Compassion fatigue” is characterized by symptoms such as depression, inability to focus, decreased effectiveness, burnout, and breakdown. For people who spend their lives giving to others, the challenge is to equally value their own needs— to renew themselves both for their own sake and so they can serve others more effectively. The intrinsic mission of service organizations such as hospitals, nonprofits, and schools can powerfully fuel people’s need for meaning and purpose. But what about the vast majority of companies that don’t so obviously manufacture products or offer services that clearly contribute to the greater good? Leaders of such companies can still build cultures that give people the opportunity to live their values and to feel purposeful at work. Take Zappos.com, which sells shoes and other clothing. Not long ago, I spent a day visiting the Zappos headquarters, which are located in a bland industrial park in a suburb of Las Vegas. The vast majority of its employees are customer service representatives paid between $ 12 and $ 18 an hour, but many find their jobs very satisfying. Zappos inspires employees not only by treating them exceptionally well and by giving them an opportunity to express themselves as individuals, but also by generating a shared mission around providing an extraordinary level of service to customers. In most call centers, employees are evaluated partly by how quickly they can get onto and off of calls with customers. These employees typically work from a tight script. At Zappos, agents are encouraged to stay on the phone in order to genuinely connect with customers and to build a relationship that is more likely to endure. This approach not only serves customers well but also makes employees proud to work at Zappos. Employees find significance less from the products they sell than from the relationships they nurture.
Schwartz, Tony; McCarthy, Ph.D., Catherine; Gomes, Jean (2010-06-18). The Way We're Working Isn't Working (Kindle Locations 327-333). Simon & Schuster UK. Kindle Edition.
To inspire your staff to do good work for you, find a way to express the organization’s impact on the lives of customers, clients, students, patients — whomever you’re trying to serve. Make them feel it.
We hear more and more that organizations must have a compelling “purpose” — but what does that mean? Aren’t there already a host of labels out there that describe organizational direction? Do we need yet another?
I think we do, and I’ve pulled together a typology of sorts to help distinguish all these terms from one another.
A vision statement says what the organization wishes to be like in some years’ time. It’s usually drawn up by senior management, in an effort to take the thinking beyond day-to-day activity in a clear, memorable way. For instance, the Swedish company Ericsson (a global provider of communications equipment, software, and services) defines its vision as being “the prime driver in an all-communicating world.”
There’s also the mission, which describes what business the organization is in (and what it isn’t) both now and projecting into the future. Its aim is to provide focus for management and staff. A consulting firm might define its mission by the type of work it does, the clients it caters to, and the level of service it provides. For example: “We’re in the business of providing high-standard assistance on performance assessment to middle to senior managers in medium-to-large firms in the finance industry.”
Values describe the desired culture. As Coca-Cola puts it, they serve as a behavioral compass. Coke’s values include having the courage to shape a better future, leveraging collective genius, being real, and being accountable and committed.
If values provide the compass, principles give employees a set of directions. The global logistics and mail service company TNT Express illustrates the difference in its use of both terms. TNT United Kingdom, the European market leader, lists “customer care” among nine key principles, describing it as follows: “Always listening to and building first-class relationships with our customers to help us provide excellent standards of service and client satisfaction.”
TNT’s Australian branch takes a different approach: Rather than outline detailed principles, it highlights four high-level “core values,” including: “We are passionate about our customers.” Note the lighter touch, the broader stroke.
So how does purpose differ from all the above, which emphasize how the organization should view and conduct itself?
Greg Ellis, former CEO and managing director of REA Group, said his company’s purpose was “to make the property process simple, efficient, and stress free for people buying and selling a property.”
This takes outward focus to a whole new level, not just emphasizing the importance of serving customers or understanding their needs but also putting managers and employees in customers’ shoes.
It says, “This is what we’re doing for someone else.” And it’s motivational, because it connects with the heart as well as the head. Indeed, Ellis called it the company’s “philosophical heartbeat.”
For other examples of purpose, look at the financial services company ING (“Empowering people to stay a step ahead in life and in business”), the Kellogg food company (“Nourishing families so they can flourish and thrive”) and the insurance company IAG (“To help people manage risk and recover from the hardship of unexpected loss”).
If you’re crafting a purpose statement, my advice is this: To inspire your staff to do good work for you, find a way to express the organization’s impact on the lives of customers, clients, students, patients — whomever you’re trying to serve. Make them feel it.
Supportive environment
Team Focus … Inhibitors
Confusion of long or short term goals, Constrained of ownership, lacking resources, lack sufficient time to focus on meaningful work, “punish” failure
Coaching TIPS – as a SM focus on the supportive environment
“Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do you want a chance to change the world?” In making his pitch, Jobs leveraged a potent psychological force: the deep-seated human desire to do meaningful work. Fortunately, to feel meaningful, work doesn’t have to involve putting the first personal computers in the hands of ordinary people, or alleviating poverty, or helping to cure cancer. Work with less profound importance to society can matter if it contributes value to something or someone important to the worker. Meaning can be as simple as making a useful and high-quality product for a customer or providing a genuine service for a community. It can be supporting a colleague or boosting an organization’s profits by reducing inefficiencies in a production process. Whether the goals are lofty or modest, as long as they are meaningful to the worker and it is clear how his or her efforts contribute to them, progress toward them can galvanize inner work life. In principle, managers shouldn’t have to go to extraordinary lengths to infuse jobs with meaning. Most jobs in modern organizations are potentially meaningful for the people doing them. However, managers can make sure that employees know just how their work is contributing. And, most important, they can avoid actions that negate its value. (See the sidebar “How Work Gets Stripped of Its Meaning.”) All the participants in our research were doing work that should have been meaningful; no one was washing pots or checking coats. Shockingly often, however, we saw potentially important, challenging work losing its power to inspire.
Katzenbach, Jon R.; Eisenhardt, Kathleen M.; Gratton, Lynda (2013-03-05). HBR's 10 Must Reads on Teams (with featured article The Discipline of Teams, by Jon R. Katzenbach and Douglas K. Smith) (Kindle Locations 1440-1452). Harvard Business Review Press. Kindle Edition.
But what makes someone feel engaged? It is a feeling. So how do we get people to feel the feeling of engagement? Gallup research indicates that 70% of the variance in engagement comes from one’s relationship with her boss. As the saying goes, “People join companies but leave bosses.” This is an important point worth repeating. Whether someone feels engaged at work or not is usually based on their relationship with their direct superior.
Kruse, Kevin (2014-07-14). Employee Engagement 2.0: How to Motivate Your Team for High Performance (A Real-World Guide for Busy Managers) (Kindle Locations 166-170). The Center for Wholehearted Leadership. Kindle Edition. asmine (2015-03-15). Employee Engagement: a little book of Big Ideas (Kindle Locations 494-496). TINYBIG Books. Kindle Edition.
Based on my own experience leading “Best Place to Work” teams, and my analysis of the available research “Communicate GReAT.”
Kruse, Kevin (2014-07-14). Employee Engagement 2.0: How to Motivate Your Team for High Performance (A Real-World Guide for Busy Managers) (Kindle Locations 181-187). The Center for Wholehearted Leadership. Kindle Edition.
The single most important factor in whether or not employees choose to stay in a job, Gallup has found, is the quality of their relationship with their direct superiors. Gallup has uncovered twelve key factors that produce high engagement, productivity, and retention among employees. Fully half of them are connected to the issue of feeling valued— including
Schwartz, Tony; McCarthy, Ph.D., Catherine; Gomes, Jean (2010-06-18). The Way We're Working Isn't Working (Kindle Locations 268-270). Simon & Schuster UK. Kindle Edition.
Perhaps no human need is more neglected in the workplace than to feel valued. Noticing what’s wrong and what’s not working in our lives is a hardwired survival instinct. Expressing appreciation requires more conscious intention, but feeling appreciated is as important to us as food.
Schwartz, Tony; McCarthy, Ph.D., Catherine; Gomes, Jean (2010-06-18). The Way We're Working Isn't Working (Kindle Locations 260-262). Simon & Schuster UK. Kindle Edition.
http://www.techinsider.io/robert-waldinger-says-3-things-are-the-secret-to-happiness-2015-12
Psychiatrist Robert Waldinger is the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development,
The study followed two cohorts of white men for 75 years, starting in 1938:
268 Harvard sophomores as part of the "Grant Study" led by Harvard psychiatrist George Vaillant
456 12- to 16-year-old boys who grew up in inner-city Boston as part of the "Glueck Study" led by Harvard Law School professor Sheldon Glueck
They came away with one major finding: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier.
1. Close relationships
The men in both groups of the Harvard study who reported being closer to their family, friends, or community tended to be happier and healthier than their less social counterparts. They also tended to live longer. By comparison, people who said they were lonelier reported feeling less happy. They also had worse physical and mental health, as defined above.
A 2014 review of dozens of studies published in the journal Social and Personality Psychology Compass suggests that loneliness can get in the way of mental functioning, sleep, and well-being, which in turn increases the risk of illness and death.
2. Quality (not quanity) of relationships
It's not just being in a relationship that matters. Married couples who said they argued constantly and had low affection for one another (which study authors defined as "high-conflict marriages") were actually less happy than people who weren't married at all, the Harvard study found.
However, the effect of relationship quality seems to depend somewhat on age. A 2015 studypublished in the journal Psychology and Aging that followed people for 30 years found that the number of relationships people had was, in fact, more important for people in their 20s, but the quality of relationships had a bigger effect on social and psychological well being when people were in their 30s.
3. Stable, supportive marriages
Being socially connected to others isn't just good for our physical health. It also helps stave off mental decline. People who were married without having divorced, separating, or having "serious problems" until age 50 performed better on memory tests later in life than those who weren't, the Harvard study found.
And other research backs this up. A 2013 study in the journal PLOS ONE found that marriage, among other factors, was linked to a lower risk of mild cognitive impairment and dementia.
All of this suggests that strong relationships are critical to our health.
Society places a lot of emphasis on wealth and "leaning in" to our work, Waldinger said. "But over and over, over these 75 years, our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships, with family, with friends, with community."
4 horse men
antidotes that neutralize their toxicity whether you
are the receiver or the giver of them. If you are the recipient of a Horseman behavior,
your responsibility is to respond with one of the antidotes instead of reacting with more
counterproductive Horseman behavior. It might feel a bit like swallowing your pride, but
you will like the results. When you stop using these behaviors, you will see that your
Partner also stops, because the Horsemen cannot live alone.
Soften Start Up:
Complain but don’t blame
“You said you would clean the backyard today and it’s still a mess,” try a simple complaint. “Hey, there are still some fallen leaves in the gutter and tennis balls everywhere. We agreed you’d rake and clean up after Buster. I’m really upset about this.”
Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You.” When you start sentences with “I” you are less likely to seem (or be!) critical, immediately putting your partner into a defensive position. Instead of saying “you are not listening to me,” you can say, “I don’t feel like you are listening right now. Instead of “you’re so careless with money,” say, “I think that we should try to save more.”
Describe what is happening, but don’t evaluate or judge. Instead of accusing or blaming your partner, simply describe what you see in the situation. Instead of violently attacking with accusations, such as “you never watch the baby,” try saying, “I seem to be the only one chasing after Charlie today.”
Be polite and appreciative. Just because you are in conflict with your partner, it does not mean that your respect and affection for them has to diminish. Adding phrases such as “please” and “I appreciate it when you…” can be helpful to maintaining warmth and emotional connection during a difficult conversation. Which is, of course, exactly when you need it most.
Don’t store things up! We’ve all been there: Exhausted and overwhelmed, feeling like we are drowning in a whirlpool of problems, one issue just keeps leading to another, we are out of control!
Turn those complaints into requests
Don’t make it personal, focus on what the relationship needs
Hold the attitude
Criticism consists of attacking or blaming your partner instead of his behavior. You will
always have some complaints about your partner. But there’s a big difference between a
complaint and a criticism. A complaint addresses a specific failed action. A criticism
adds some negative words about your partner’s character or personality. For example,
adding at the end of any complaint: “What is wrong with you?” will turn it into criticism.
Question to mull over: When are you critical of your partner?
Antidotes
1. As mentioned above, complain about a specific behavior instead of criticizing
the person.
2. Go one step further and turn those complaints into requests instead. Examples:
a. If you are being critical: instead of saying “you didn’t tell me about the
event”, say “I don’t want to miss another one of those events; what do you
think of putting all events in the company calendar from now on? Will you
do it?”.
If your partner is being critical: Listen for the reasonable request embedded
in the complaint. If you hear “you didn’t tell me about the event”, simply
say: “I’m sorry. Would you like me to add this kind of events to the
company calendar so that it is not an issue in the future?” This is in stark
comparison to defending yourself (e.g. “You didn’t tell me you wanted to
go”)--which is basically saying, it’s your fault because you didn’t tell me
you wanted to go. It escalates the conflict and it doesn’t catalyze any
positive change.
Remember that requests are not demands. To make a true request, you have to
communicate that a counteroffer or a negative answer are valid and respected
responses. (You can also make demands, but don’t disguise them as requests).
3. Don’t make the situation personal: Focus on “What does the relationship need
from us now” instead of “Who is doing what to whom”. By being clear that
blame won’t get you anywhere, you can focus on the changes the two of you
need to make to take care of the issue.
4. When receiving criticism, hold the attitude that the person criticizing you is
doing so because s/he cares about what you do, not because s/he wants to make
you feel bad or nag you. It is their unskillful attempt to give you useful
feedback. Holding this perspective, have a conversation with them about how
they can present complaints and criticism in a more useful and acceptable
manner to you.
5. Look at what’s your contribution to the problem you’re feeling critical about or
being criticized for. Even if your partner had a bigger contribution, you will feel
less powerless if you are aware of how you contributed to the problem also and
what you can change about it regardless of what your partner does.
6. Apologize. Even if in your opinion you weren’t being critical, what counts is
what the listener experienced. Remain curious about the impact of what you say
and take responsibility and clean up any messes.
2: Defensiveness.
Although it’s understandable that you would defend yourself when criticized, research shows that this approach rarely works. An attacking partner does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really another way of blaming. It’s in effect saying: “it’s not me, it’s you”, and it escalates the conflict. It is common for the defensive partner to feel like he is above the conflict, when in fact, he is contributing to the conflict just as much.
Question to mull over: When do you react with defensiveness or fail to take responsibility for your contribution to problems?
Antidotes
If you are feeling defensive:
Repeat what you heard and ask for clarification. For example: “I’m hearing you say that I am not trustworthy. Can you clarify that?”
Search for the “2%” truth in what you are hearing. For example: It is true that I often don’t leave enough time for unpredictable delays and I can see how that would make me untrustworthy.
If your partner is getting defensive:
Ask them what they heard you say. It is quite possible that they misunderstood you or that they felt criticized without you being aware of it. Take responsibility for your impact and rephrase what you wanted to say.
Show your partner that you respect and trust him and that his image is not at stake (assuming that is true). This will lower his defenses and you’ll have a more productive conversation.
Active listening. Usually people get defensive when they don’t feel heard. Make sure you’re conveying to the other person that you are understanding what s/he is saying.
Contempt includes sarcasm, belittling, cynicism, name-calling, hostile humor, and
belligerence. Contempt is the most poisonous of all horsemen because it conveys disgust
and condescension. It has been shown to be harmful to the physical health of an
individual. Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about a partner.
You’re more likely to have such thoughts if your differences are not regularly resolved
after they occur.
Question to mull over: When do you act with contempt of others?
Antidotes
1. If your partner is acting contemptuously:
a. Express your feelings, identify the unwanted behavior, and indicate a
willingness to resolve the situation. Speak appropriately for the cultural
context you’re in. Example:
"Hey, Mark. Cool out, man. I'm starting to get angry. I don't like it when
people call me names. Can we work this out like friends?"
As in the example above, avoid using "you" statements and assuming
that you know what the solution is.
b. Try asking: "What is your intention in saying that?" They may not be
aware that they sound contemptuous to you. Clarifying their intention
will help to get at the deeper purpose under what is being said.
c. Or ask: "Are you aware of your impact right now? (Explain your
experience) Is it the impact you want to have?” People sometimes use
horsemen unconsciously and don't know what else they can use.
2. If you are feeling contemptuous:
a. Use this sentence: “I feel … I want …” (e.g. “I am feeling contempt
towards you, I want to be able to respect you and understand you.”) Note
that in this sentence, what you want has to do with yourself, not with
what you want the other person to do.
b. Realize that respect is given, not earned. If you don’t respect someone,
take this to be about your inability to see the greatness, creativity, and
resourcefulness that lives in that person, not about that person’s lower
value as a human being. Your actions (even if they are strong corrective
actions) will be much more effective when you do them from respect
rather than contempt. Constructive conflict is only possible from a basis
of respect.
3. Stop any sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, belligerence, etc. Saying “I’m
sarcastic/cynical and that is the way I am” is not an excuse! It is harming your
relationships more than you think. Be funny and interesting in other ways.
4. Create a culture of in your relationships of fondness and admiration. Learn
about your partners. Seek to understand them and acknowledge them first.
Stonewalling includes cutting off communication, silent treatments, refusals to engage, withdrawal, or in mild cases simply being reluctant to express directly what you are thinking. Often, after one or more of the previous horsemen have been running wild, a partner will want to tune out of the whole thing and stonewall. The problem is that this will feed even more the contempt in the other partner.
Question to mull over: What areas do you avoid talking about?
Antidotes
If you are flooded, find a way to self-soothe. Do you have a meditation or relaxation practice?
Look at your fear of speaking; what information is it giving you? What part of your identity is at stake? Get grounded in who you really are before speaking.
Differentiate between fear and actual danger involved if you say something. If there is actual danger, you don’t want to expose yourself to it, but it may be useful to explain the reason for withholding the information.
What safety conditions can you design with your partner so that you (or he) are better able to speak directly? Perhaps you can set a specific time to talk, set some confidentiality about what is spoken, and meet at a neutral place.
If your partner is stonewalling you, take a look at what you are doing that makes him not feel safe expressing himself. Do you feel contempt? Have you not valued his ideas in the past? Have you been judgmental?
All this stuff generates emotions, more negative than positive … – not very British – Lack of empathy - Systems Intelligence ???
Maslow’s hypothesis. “Much of what human beings do is done in the service of belongingness,” they concluded, after looking at dozens of studies. “Belongingness can be almost as compelling a need as food.” Or, as the UCLA neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman bluntly puts it, “To a mammal, being socially connected to caregivers is necessary to survival.” Positive connection with others underlies our sense of security, which is critical to our effectiveness. The more we feel our value is at risk, the more energy we spend defending it and the less energy we have available to create value. A trigger serves as an alarm, alerting us to a potential danger at hand. In our experiences with thousands of clients, the trigger almost always has something to do with the feeling of being devalued.
Schwartz, Tony; McCarthy, Ph.D., Catherine; Gomes, Jean (2010-06-18). The Way We're Working Isn't Working (Kindle Locations 2127-2133). Simon & Schuster UK. Kindle Edition.
Connection
Progress
Personal goals
Solove problems autonomy
Self organisation
Tony Robbins – emotion fuels direction, deeper the emotion the bigger the energy pool
My coaching experience is that we leverage emotion in life coaching to create energy a client can use to shift their current behaviours … .they mode of operation …
Weather it’s feeling energy to be on top of the world – or deep down in a hole you feel you can’t escape
Which is what Agile is about – it’s a cultural change and shift
For the progress principle to operate, the work must be meaningful to the person doing it. In 1983, Steve Jobs was trying to entice John Sculley to leave a wildly successful career at PepsiCo to become Apple’s new CEO. Jobs reportedly asked him, “Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do you want a chance to change the world?” In making his pitch, Jobs leveraged a potent psychological force: the deep-seated human desire to do meaningful work