Team alignment and engagement Agile Cymru 2016
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Alignment is the basis of team engagement
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Team alignment and engagement Agile Cymru 2016
- 2. BeliminalAgile Cymru Team Alignment and Engagement - Outline What is a team ? Alignment, the basis of team engagement Deepening team engagement through meaningful work Relationships and connection
- 3. Beliminal Conditions for High Performing Teams Pub 2002, Based on 30 years research Work teams perform poorly when leaders have focused on the wrong things in designing or supporting them No leader can make a team perform well. But all leaders can create conditions that increase the likelihood that it will. Agile Cymru
- 4. Beliminal Conditions for increasing team success Being a Real Team Shared Task Bounded Stable Interdependent Agile Cymru Source: Hackman – Leading Teams
- 5. Beliminal Conditions for increasing team success Compelling Direction Clear goals Clearly state how the team contributes to the organization so that the team is aware of their own contribution to the overall mission. Agile Cymru Source: Hackman – Leading Teams
- 6. Beliminal Conditions for increasing team success Enabling Structure Collective work products Task is meaningful to me Autonomy is good - but the boundaries are clearly understood Norms of conducts – standards of behaviours Agile Cymru Source: Hackman – Leading Teams
- 7. Beliminal Conditions for increasing team success Supportive Context Positive Rewards for excellent team performance Training and technical expertise when it is needed - Team fitness Information is readily available to provide data to plan and execute the work Sufficient material resources Agile Cymru Source: Hackman – Leading Teams
- 8. Beliminal Conditions for increasing team success Expert Coaching Must be easily available and on demand Type and timing is important Beginning, Middle and End Agile Cymru Source: Hackman – Leading Teams
- 9. Beliminal Alignment, the basis of team engagement Agile Cymru
- 10. Beliminal Biggest Causes of Disengagement Staff cannot understand how they plug into the organisational strategy When they don’t understand why what is happening at work has an effect on them. Employees who don’t understand the roles they play in company success are more likely to become disengaged. Agile Cymru
- 11. Beliminal Alignment to Strategy & Direction Metrus Group Survey 2012 Only 14% of the organizations polled report that their employees have a good understanding of their company’s strategy and direction Forbes July 2013 Survey of 20 Australian Companies Even in high-performing companies with “clearly articulated public strategies,” only 29% of their employees can correctly identify their company’s strategy out of six choices. Agile Cymru
- 12. Beliminal What can I do? Derek Luckhurst ex (L&G) … The What, the Why, and the What Else What were the other options? Why were they rejected? What else did you think of? This lays the groundwork for trust, transparency and understanding … Agile Cymru
- 13. Beliminal Deepening Team Engagement Meaningful Work Agile Cymru
- 14. Beliminal Meaningful Work Doesn’t have to be a profound importance to Society Perceive your work as contributing value to something or someone who matters (team, self or family) • Useful and high quality product • Provide a service for your community • Focus on Customer Care Make it personal … Agile Cymru Source: HBR's 10 Must Reads on Teams - The Power of small wins
- 15. Beliminal What can I do? Purpose Statement … It says, “This is what we’re doing for someone else.” ING (“Empowering people to stay a step ahead in life and in business”) the Kellogg food company (“Nourishing families so they can flourish and thrive”) Align & support personal goals
- 16. Beliminal Aligning Team to Organisational Strategy Overall Product Purpose Reach Engagement Resources Team Purpose … We build a tool that enables high uptake of easy to make high quality formats Uptake : Number of users, # of content items created High Quality Formats : % of people finishing a quiz, quality of output Easy : Design Time, Qualitative Feedback, low # of support requests Agile Cymru
- 17. Beliminal Stripping work of its meaning …. Dismiss the importance of employees work or ideas Destroy sense of ownership, Frequent and abrupt reassignments Solutionising for teams The work may never see the light of day Neglect to inform team members of changes in customer priorities Confusion of long or short term goals, Constrained of ownership, lacking resources, lack sufficient time to focus on meaningful work, “punish” failure Agile Cymru Source: HBR's 10 Must Reads on Teams - The Power of small wins
- 19. Beliminal Quality of Relationships I asked you to think about your values at the beginning of the presentation … If you were honouring those values how would you want to be with each other if you were a team ?? Agree a set of team values Agile Cymru
- 20. Beliminal Quality of Relationships How would you teams feel if you worked like that every day? How many experience those shared values on a daily basis? Agile Cymru
- 21. Beliminal Lessons from the longest study on happiness Robert Waldinger : Director of a the Harvard Study of Adult Development a 75 year old study Started in 1938 268 Harvard Sophomores 456 12-16 yo boys from inner city Boston Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Close Relationships Quality not Quantity of Relationships Stable, supportive marriages Society places a lot of emphasis on wealth and "leaning in" to our work People who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships, with family, with friends, with community." Agile Cymru
- 22. Beliminal Poor quality relationships John & Julie Gottman 40 Years of relationship research 69% of relationship issues are perpetual Predicted with 91% accuracy if a relationship would last Successful Relationships: • 5:1 Ratio of positive to negative interactions • Increasing positive interactions during conflict • Reducing negative interactions during conflict Agile Cymru
- 23. Beliminal 4 relationship toxins Blame or Criticism Defensiveness Contempt Stonewalling Agile Cymru
- 24. Beliminal Blame or Criticism A complaint addresses a specific failed action. A criticism adds some negative words about your partner’s character or personality. People are often critical if they have an unmet want or need We often make up our own story about what is happening beyond what is true Agile Cymru Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
- 25. Beliminal Defensiveness Defending one’s position with no attempt to move to problem solving We often defend ourselves when being criticised We may not know how to move beyond our feelings of vulnerability to listen to what the other person is saying We defend our actions in an attempt to be understood It’s ineffectual because the other person doesn't feel heard Agile Cymru Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
- 26. Beliminal Contempt Includes sarcasm, belittling, mocking, cynicism, name calling, and hostile humor. Contempt is often a direct put down of another person. It often happens when we are feeling powerless or inferior. It serves the purpose of making the person who is being contemptuous feel more in control or superior. Unfortunately, those feelings are often short-lived and contempt can do considerable damage to the relationship. Agile Cymru Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
- 27. Beliminal Stonewalling Includes cutting off communication, the silent treatment, refusing to engage and withdrawal. The desire of the person who is stonewalling is to feel safe. Trying to improve performance can feel unsafe. Stonewalling is toxic because there is no way for the relationship system to connect or move toward joint problem solving. Agile Cymru Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
- 28. Beliminal Antidotes to Team Toxins Make Requests - Address the behaviour you don’t like - Use “I “ Statements 2% Truth - Often we can’t identify with criticism - What if 2% of what they say is true Ventilate - Provide a safe container to clear what they are feeling - As a coach be neutral Take a time out - If emotion is too high to access clear thinking Agile Cymru Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
- 29. Beliminal Antidotes to Team Toxins Notice Rather than interpret - What are the facts - Distinguish between facts, thoughts and feelings Curiosity - Inquisitive interest in other people's concerns Find common ground - pay attention to shared interests and common ground Reach Out - Repair Bids Articulate Emotions - When feelings are shared openly and honestly trust is built Agile Cymru Source: Barbara Blumenthal, CRR Global & Gottman
- 30. Beliminal Not Feeling Valued Feeling spoken to with condescension and lack of respect Being treated unfairly Not feeling appreciated Not being listened to or feeling heard Someone else taking credit for my work Being kept waiting Someone else’s sloppy work on a project I’m overseeing Feeling criticized or blamed Unrealistic deadlines People who think they know it all Agile Cymru Source : Schwartz, McCarthy, Gomes, - The Way We're Working Isn't Working
- 31. Beliminal What are your key take aways ? What action are you going to take based on what you have learnt? Agile Cymru
- 32. Thankyou BeliminalAgile Cymru Relationship Systems Work for Agile Coaches http://crruk.arlo.co/schedule
Notes de l'éditeur
- Hello .. Who am I … coached these orgs over 10 years of Agile coaching – but last one felt something was missing – and have been searching doe it .. That has taken me on a journey to explore behavioural change an exploration of that has included – self discovery / realisation / and an exploration on the edges of Agile -- personal coaching, relationship coaching, team coaching and
- Old .. What is a Team ? Team coaching, what and when Personal & shared team values Creating a compelling direction & measures Setting a working agreement Keeping a team energised through daily work, encouraging catalysts & nourishers, keeping at bay inhibitors and toxins
- Locn 388 - -Lbof BI – what are u here ot do .. Make money – make sure there is a business going forward. Most basic goal is survival. Ideas to maintain or improve it …. Striving or doing well is the company’s purpose …. Makes no sense to address individual needs .. Luckhurst 2008 - – treat the group fairly William Schiemann might have part of the answer—only 14% of the organizations he polled report that their employees have a good understanding of their company’s strategy and direction. https://getpocket.com/a/read/169274444 2012 The article cites recent research which says that even in high-performing companies with “clearly articulated public strategies,” only 29% of their employees can correctly identify their company’s strategy out of six choices. Forbes July 2013 That means 70% (7 out of 10) of all employees (yes, even yours) are unknowingly misaligned with your company’s strategic direction. http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnkotter/2013/07/09/heres-why-ceo-strategies-fall-on-deaf-ears/#15962b5d1ea7 The researchers asked employees of 20 major Australian corporations with clearly articulated public strategies to identify their employer’s strategy from among six choices. Just 29% answered correctly. The good news: The firms in the sample are all high performers, suggesting that a company can thrive even if employees are clueless about its long-term vision. UK Survey Kingston Busienss Schoo; See location 427 to 498 in the LB of BI Put in Luckhurst’s Model to question the strategy In Luckhurst’s model, “The What, the Why, and the What Else” are a series of questions enabling staff to scrutinise management thinking: what were the other options? Why were they rejected? What else did you think of? Gartner, Jasmine (2015-03-15). Employee Engagement: a little book of Big Ideas (Kindle Locations 494-496). TINYBIG Books. Kindle Edition. Other Chaeck list ??? “Achieving goals is often about making tradeoffs when things don’t go as planned. [Employees] need to understand the bigger picture to make those tradeoffs when things go wrong,” says Hill. No matter what level the employee is at, he should be able to articulate exactly how his efforts feed into the broader company strategy. Engagement in work — which is associated with feeling valued, secure, supported, and respected (HBR 2015)
- Actively ensuring youtr teams undersatdnds what the company strategy is, then find out their place in that …. Option Based consultation …
- Meanignful work is …. Alignment, the basis of team engagement Deepening Team Engagement - Meaningful Work Jobs – 1983 – John Scully … Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do u want a chance to change the world”
- Jobs – 1983 – John Scully … Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do u want a chance to change the world” Appliances on line … for people who care … AO Of their service representatives dealing with customer complaints they ask them to consider “How would you treat your grandmother?” For those dealing with customers … “When you go home tonight and you tell your family what you have done, can you be proud of what you did today (to serve AO.com customers) Whether the goals are lofty or modest, as long as they are meaningful to the worker and it is clear how his or her efforts contribute to them, progress toward them can galvanize inner work life. Katzenbach, Jon R.; Eisenhardt, Kathleen M.; Gratton, Lynda (2013-03-05). HBR's 10 Must Reads on Teams (with featured article The Discipline of Teams, by Jon R. Katzenbach and Douglas K. Smith) (Kindle Locations 1455-1456). Harvard Business Review Press. Kindle Edition. https://hbr.org/2011/05/the-power-of-small-wins Purpose is the external expression of what we stand for. The majority of people we meet lack a strong sense of purpose in their jobs, beyond taking home a paycheck and building their careers. Many of us are so busy trying to serve clients and customers— to simply do our jobs— that we don’t spend much time or energy thinking about what we really want or how our choices affect others. While selfishness makes us smaller and takes a toll on others, the costs of selflessness can be equally depleting. That’s especially true for nurses, teachers, social workers and others who work in the helping professions. Serving others can become so preoccupying that it occurs at expense to our own well-being and eventually to those we’re committed to serving. “Compassion fatigue” is characterized by symptoms such as depression, inability to focus, decreased effectiveness, burnout, and breakdown. For people who spend their lives giving to others, the challenge is to equally value their own needs— to renew themselves both for their own sake and so they can serve others more effectively. The intrinsic mission of service organizations such as hospitals, nonprofits, and schools can powerfully fuel people’s need for meaning and purpose. But what about the vast majority of companies that don’t so obviously manufacture products or offer services that clearly contribute to the greater good? Leaders of such companies can still build cultures that give people the opportunity to live their values and to feel purposeful at work. Take Zappos.com, which sells shoes and other clothing. Not long ago, I spent a day visiting the Zappos headquarters, which are located in a bland industrial park in a suburb of Las Vegas. The vast majority of its employees are customer service representatives paid between $ 12 and $ 18 an hour, but many find their jobs very satisfying. Zappos inspires employees not only by treating them exceptionally well and by giving them an opportunity to express themselves as individuals, but also by generating a shared mission around providing an extraordinary level of service to customers. In most call centers, employees are evaluated partly by how quickly they can get onto and off of calls with customers. These employees typically work from a tight script. At Zappos, agents are encouraged to stay on the phone in order to genuinely connect with customers and to build a relationship that is more likely to endure. This approach not only serves customers well but also makes employees proud to work at Zappos. Employees find significance less from the products they sell than from the relationships they nurture. Schwartz, Tony; McCarthy, Ph.D., Catherine; Gomes, Jean (2010-06-18). The Way We're Working Isn't Working (Kindle Locations 327-333). Simon & Schuster UK. Kindle Edition.
- To inspire your staff to do good work for you, find a way to express the organization’s impact on the lives of customers, clients, students, patients — whomever you’re trying to serve. Make them feel it. We hear more and more that organizations must have a compelling “purpose” — but what does that mean? Aren’t there already a host of labels out there that describe organizational direction? Do we need yet another? I think we do, and I’ve pulled together a typology of sorts to help distinguish all these terms from one another. A vision statement says what the organization wishes to be like in some years’ time. It’s usually drawn up by senior management, in an effort to take the thinking beyond day-to-day activity in a clear, memorable way. For instance, the Swedish company Ericsson (a global provider of communications equipment, software, and services) defines its vision as being “the prime driver in an all-communicating world.” There’s also the mission, which describes what business the organization is in (and what it isn’t) both now and projecting into the future. Its aim is to provide focus for management and staff. A consulting firm might define its mission by the type of work it does, the clients it caters to, and the level of service it provides. For example: “We’re in the business of providing high-standard assistance on performance assessment to middle to senior managers in medium-to-large firms in the finance industry.” Values describe the desired culture. As Coca-Cola puts it, they serve as a behavioral compass. Coke’s values include having the courage to shape a better future, leveraging collective genius, being real, and being accountable and committed. If values provide the compass, principles give employees a set of directions. The global logistics and mail service company TNT Express illustrates the difference in its use of both terms. TNT United Kingdom, the European market leader, lists “customer care” among nine key principles, describing it as follows: “Always listening to and building first-class relationships with our customers to help us provide excellent standards of service and client satisfaction.” TNT’s Australian branch takes a different approach: Rather than outline detailed principles, it highlights four high-level “core values,” including: “We are passionate about our customers.” Note the lighter touch, the broader stroke. So how does purpose differ from all the above, which emphasize how the organization should view and conduct itself? Greg Ellis, former CEO and managing director of REA Group, said his company’s purpose was “to make the property process simple, efficient, and stress free for people buying and selling a property.” This takes outward focus to a whole new level, not just emphasizing the importance of serving customers or understanding their needs but also putting managers and employees in customers’ shoes. It says, “This is what we’re doing for someone else.” And it’s motivational, because it connects with the heart as well as the head. Indeed, Ellis called it the company’s “philosophical heartbeat.” For other examples of purpose, look at the financial services company ING (“Empowering people to stay a step ahead in life and in business”), the Kellogg food company (“Nourishing families so they can flourish and thrive”) and the insurance company IAG (“To help people manage risk and recover from the hardship of unexpected loss”). If you’re crafting a purpose statement, my advice is this: To inspire your staff to do good work for you, find a way to express the organization’s impact on the lives of customers, clients, students, patients — whomever you’re trying to serve. Make them feel it.
- Supportive environment Team Focus … Inhibitors Confusion of long or short term goals, Constrained of ownership, lacking resources, lack sufficient time to focus on meaningful work, “punish” failure Coaching TIPS – as a SM focus on the supportive environment “Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do you want a chance to change the world?” In making his pitch, Jobs leveraged a potent psychological force: the deep-seated human desire to do meaningful work. Fortunately, to feel meaningful, work doesn’t have to involve putting the first personal computers in the hands of ordinary people, or alleviating poverty, or helping to cure cancer. Work with less profound importance to society can matter if it contributes value to something or someone important to the worker. Meaning can be as simple as making a useful and high-quality product for a customer or providing a genuine service for a community. It can be supporting a colleague or boosting an organization’s profits by reducing inefficiencies in a production process. Whether the goals are lofty or modest, as long as they are meaningful to the worker and it is clear how his or her efforts contribute to them, progress toward them can galvanize inner work life. In principle, managers shouldn’t have to go to extraordinary lengths to infuse jobs with meaning. Most jobs in modern organizations are potentially meaningful for the people doing them. However, managers can make sure that employees know just how their work is contributing. And, most important, they can avoid actions that negate its value. (See the sidebar “How Work Gets Stripped of Its Meaning.”) All the participants in our research were doing work that should have been meaningful; no one was washing pots or checking coats. Shockingly often, however, we saw potentially important, challenging work losing its power to inspire. Katzenbach, Jon R.; Eisenhardt, Kathleen M.; Gratton, Lynda (2013-03-05). HBR's 10 Must Reads on Teams (with featured article The Discipline of Teams, by Jon R. Katzenbach and Douglas K. Smith) (Kindle Locations 1440-1452). Harvard Business Review Press. Kindle Edition.
- But what makes someone feel engaged? It is a feeling. So how do we get people to feel the feeling of engagement? Gallup research indicates that 70% of the variance in engagement comes from one’s relationship with her boss. As the saying goes, “People join companies but leave bosses.” This is an important point worth repeating. Whether someone feels engaged at work or not is usually based on their relationship with their direct superior. Kruse, Kevin (2014-07-14). Employee Engagement 2.0: How to Motivate Your Team for High Performance (A Real-World Guide for Busy Managers) (Kindle Locations 166-170). The Center for Wholehearted Leadership. Kindle Edition. asmine (2015-03-15). Employee Engagement: a little book of Big Ideas (Kindle Locations 494-496). TINYBIG Books. Kindle Edition. Based on my own experience leading “Best Place to Work” teams, and my analysis of the available research “Communicate GReAT.” Kruse, Kevin (2014-07-14). Employee Engagement 2.0: How to Motivate Your Team for High Performance (A Real-World Guide for Busy Managers) (Kindle Locations 181-187). The Center for Wholehearted Leadership. Kindle Edition. The single most important factor in whether or not employees choose to stay in a job, Gallup has found, is the quality of their relationship with their direct superiors. Gallup has uncovered twelve key factors that produce high engagement, productivity, and retention among employees. Fully half of them are connected to the issue of feeling valued— including Schwartz, Tony; McCarthy, Ph.D., Catherine; Gomes, Jean (2010-06-18). The Way We're Working Isn't Working (Kindle Locations 268-270). Simon & Schuster UK. Kindle Edition. Perhaps no human need is more neglected in the workplace than to feel valued. Noticing what’s wrong and what’s not working in our lives is a hardwired survival instinct. Expressing appreciation requires more conscious intention, but feeling appreciated is as important to us as food. Schwartz, Tony; McCarthy, Ph.D., Catherine; Gomes, Jean (2010-06-18). The Way We're Working Isn't Working (Kindle Locations 260-262). Simon & Schuster UK. Kindle Edition.
- http://www.techinsider.io/robert-waldinger-says-3-things-are-the-secret-to-happiness-2015-12 Psychiatrist Robert Waldinger is the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, The study followed two cohorts of white men for 75 years, starting in 1938: 268 Harvard sophomores as part of the "Grant Study" led by Harvard psychiatrist George Vaillant 456 12- to 16-year-old boys who grew up in inner-city Boston as part of the "Glueck Study" led by Harvard Law School professor Sheldon Glueck They came away with one major finding: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. 1. Close relationships The men in both groups of the Harvard study who reported being closer to their family, friends, or community tended to be happier and healthier than their less social counterparts. They also tended to live longer. By comparison, people who said they were lonelier reported feeling less happy. They also had worse physical and mental health, as defined above. A 2014 review of dozens of studies published in the journal Social and Personality Psychology Compass suggests that loneliness can get in the way of mental functioning, sleep, and well-being, which in turn increases the risk of illness and death. 2. Quality (not quanity) of relationships It's not just being in a relationship that matters. Married couples who said they argued constantly and had low affection for one another (which study authors defined as "high-conflict marriages") were actually less happy than people who weren't married at all, the Harvard study found. However, the effect of relationship quality seems to depend somewhat on age. A 2015 studypublished in the journal Psychology and Aging that followed people for 30 years found that the number of relationships people had was, in fact, more important for people in their 20s, but the quality of relationships had a bigger effect on social and psychological well being when people were in their 30s. 3. Stable, supportive marriages Being socially connected to others isn't just good for our physical health. It also helps stave off mental decline. People who were married without having divorced, separating, or having "serious problems" until age 50 performed better on memory tests later in life than those who weren't, the Harvard study found. And other research backs this up. A 2013 study in the journal PLOS ONE found that marriage, among other factors, was linked to a lower risk of mild cognitive impairment and dementia. All of this suggests that strong relationships are critical to our health. Society places a lot of emphasis on wealth and "leaning in" to our work, Waldinger said. "But over and over, over these 75 years, our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships, with family, with friends, with community."
- 4 horse men antidotes that neutralize their toxicity whether you are the receiver or the giver of them. If you are the recipient of a Horseman behavior, your responsibility is to respond with one of the antidotes instead of reacting with more counterproductive Horseman behavior. It might feel a bit like swallowing your pride, but you will like the results. When you stop using these behaviors, you will see that your Partner also stops, because the Horsemen cannot live alone. Soften Start Up: Complain but don’t blame “You said you would clean the backyard today and it’s still a mess,” try a simple complaint. “Hey, there are still some fallen leaves in the gutter and tennis balls everywhere. We agreed you’d rake and clean up after Buster. I’m really upset about this.” Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You.” When you start sentences with “I” you are less likely to seem (or be!) critical, immediately putting your partner into a defensive position. Instead of saying “you are not listening to me,” you can say, “I don’t feel like you are listening right now. Instead of “you’re so careless with money,” say, “I think that we should try to save more.” Describe what is happening, but don’t evaluate or judge. Instead of accusing or blaming your partner, simply describe what you see in the situation. Instead of violently attacking with accusations, such as “you never watch the baby,” try saying, “I seem to be the only one chasing after Charlie today.” Be polite and appreciative. Just because you are in conflict with your partner, it does not mean that your respect and affection for them has to diminish. Adding phrases such as “please” and “I appreciate it when you…” can be helpful to maintaining warmth and emotional connection during a difficult conversation. Which is, of course, exactly when you need it most. Don’t store things up! We’ve all been there: Exhausted and overwhelmed, feeling like we are drowning in a whirlpool of problems, one issue just keeps leading to another, we are out of control!
- Turn those complaints into requests Don’t make it personal, focus on what the relationship needs Hold the attitude Criticism consists of attacking or blaming your partner instead of his behavior. You will always have some complaints about your partner. But there’s a big difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint addresses a specific failed action. A criticism adds some negative words about your partner’s character or personality. For example, adding at the end of any complaint: “What is wrong with you?” will turn it into criticism. Question to mull over: When are you critical of your partner? Antidotes 1. As mentioned above, complain about a specific behavior instead of criticizing the person. 2. Go one step further and turn those complaints into requests instead. Examples: a. If you are being critical: instead of saying “you didn’t tell me about the event”, say “I don’t want to miss another one of those events; what do you think of putting all events in the company calendar from now on? Will you do it?”. If your partner is being critical: Listen for the reasonable request embedded in the complaint. If you hear “you didn’t tell me about the event”, simply say: “I’m sorry. Would you like me to add this kind of events to the company calendar so that it is not an issue in the future?” This is in stark comparison to defending yourself (e.g. “You didn’t tell me you wanted to go”)--which is basically saying, it’s your fault because you didn’t tell me you wanted to go. It escalates the conflict and it doesn’t catalyze any positive change. Remember that requests are not demands. To make a true request, you have to communicate that a counteroffer or a negative answer are valid and respected responses. (You can also make demands, but don’t disguise them as requests). 3. Don’t make the situation personal: Focus on “What does the relationship need from us now” instead of “Who is doing what to whom”. By being clear that blame won’t get you anywhere, you can focus on the changes the two of you need to make to take care of the issue. 4. When receiving criticism, hold the attitude that the person criticizing you is doing so because s/he cares about what you do, not because s/he wants to make you feel bad or nag you. It is their unskillful attempt to give you useful feedback. Holding this perspective, have a conversation with them about how they can present complaints and criticism in a more useful and acceptable manner to you. 5. Look at what’s your contribution to the problem you’re feeling critical about or being criticized for. Even if your partner had a bigger contribution, you will feel less powerless if you are aware of how you contributed to the problem also and what you can change about it regardless of what your partner does. 6. Apologize. Even if in your opinion you weren’t being critical, what counts is what the listener experienced. Remain curious about the impact of what you say and take responsibility and clean up any messes.
- 2: Defensiveness. Although it’s understandable that you would defend yourself when criticized, research shows that this approach rarely works. An attacking partner does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really another way of blaming. It’s in effect saying: “it’s not me, it’s you”, and it escalates the conflict. It is common for the defensive partner to feel like he is above the conflict, when in fact, he is contributing to the conflict just as much. Question to mull over: When do you react with defensiveness or fail to take responsibility for your contribution to problems? Antidotes If you are feeling defensive: Repeat what you heard and ask for clarification. For example: “I’m hearing you say that I am not trustworthy. Can you clarify that?” Search for the “2%” truth in what you are hearing. For example: It is true that I often don’t leave enough time for unpredictable delays and I can see how that would make me untrustworthy. If your partner is getting defensive: Ask them what they heard you say. It is quite possible that they misunderstood you or that they felt criticized without you being aware of it. Take responsibility for your impact and rephrase what you wanted to say. Show your partner that you respect and trust him and that his image is not at stake (assuming that is true). This will lower his defenses and you’ll have a more productive conversation. Active listening. Usually people get defensive when they don’t feel heard. Make sure you’re conveying to the other person that you are understanding what s/he is saying.
- Contempt includes sarcasm, belittling, cynicism, name-calling, hostile humor, and belligerence. Contempt is the most poisonous of all horsemen because it conveys disgust and condescension. It has been shown to be harmful to the physical health of an individual. Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about a partner. You’re more likely to have such thoughts if your differences are not regularly resolved after they occur. Question to mull over: When do you act with contempt of others? Antidotes 1. If your partner is acting contemptuously: a. Express your feelings, identify the unwanted behavior, and indicate a willingness to resolve the situation. Speak appropriately for the cultural context you’re in. Example: "Hey, Mark. Cool out, man. I'm starting to get angry. I don't like it when people call me names. Can we work this out like friends?" As in the example above, avoid using "you" statements and assuming that you know what the solution is. b. Try asking: "What is your intention in saying that?" They may not be aware that they sound contemptuous to you. Clarifying their intention will help to get at the deeper purpose under what is being said. c. Or ask: "Are you aware of your impact right now? (Explain your experience) Is it the impact you want to have?” People sometimes use horsemen unconsciously and don't know what else they can use. 2. If you are feeling contemptuous: a. Use this sentence: “I feel … I want …” (e.g. “I am feeling contempt towards you, I want to be able to respect you and understand you.”) Note that in this sentence, what you want has to do with yourself, not with what you want the other person to do. b. Realize that respect is given, not earned. If you don’t respect someone, take this to be about your inability to see the greatness, creativity, and resourcefulness that lives in that person, not about that person’s lower value as a human being. Your actions (even if they are strong corrective actions) will be much more effective when you do them from respect rather than contempt. Constructive conflict is only possible from a basis of respect. 3. Stop any sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, belligerence, etc. Saying “I’m sarcastic/cynical and that is the way I am” is not an excuse! It is harming your relationships more than you think. Be funny and interesting in other ways. 4. Create a culture of in your relationships of fondness and admiration. Learn about your partners. Seek to understand them and acknowledge them first.
- Stonewalling includes cutting off communication, silent treatments, refusals to engage, withdrawal, or in mild cases simply being reluctant to express directly what you are thinking. Often, after one or more of the previous horsemen have been running wild, a partner will want to tune out of the whole thing and stonewall. The problem is that this will feed even more the contempt in the other partner. Question to mull over: What areas do you avoid talking about? Antidotes If you are flooded, find a way to self-soothe. Do you have a meditation or relaxation practice? Look at your fear of speaking; what information is it giving you? What part of your identity is at stake? Get grounded in who you really are before speaking. Differentiate between fear and actual danger involved if you say something. If there is actual danger, you don’t want to expose yourself to it, but it may be useful to explain the reason for withholding the information. What safety conditions can you design with your partner so that you (or he) are better able to speak directly? Perhaps you can set a specific time to talk, set some confidentiality about what is spoken, and meet at a neutral place. If your partner is stonewalling you, take a look at what you are doing that makes him not feel safe expressing himself. Do you feel contempt? Have you not valued his ideas in the past? Have you been judgmental?
- All this stuff generates emotions, more negative than positive … – not very British – Lack of empathy - Systems Intelligence ??? Maslow’s hypothesis. “Much of what human beings do is done in the service of belongingness,” they concluded, after looking at dozens of studies. “Belongingness can be almost as compelling a need as food.” Or, as the UCLA neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman bluntly puts it, “To a mammal, being socially connected to caregivers is necessary to survival.” Positive connection with others underlies our sense of security, which is critical to our effectiveness. The more we feel our value is at risk, the more energy we spend defending it and the less energy we have available to create value. A trigger serves as an alarm, alerting us to a potential danger at hand. In our experiences with thousands of clients, the trigger almost always has something to do with the feeling of being devalued. Schwartz, Tony; McCarthy, Ph.D., Catherine; Gomes, Jean (2010-06-18). The Way We're Working Isn't Working (Kindle Locations 2127-2133). Simon & Schuster UK. Kindle Edition.
- Connection Progress Personal goals Solove problems autonomy Self organisation Tony Robbins – emotion fuels direction, deeper the emotion the bigger the energy pool My coaching experience is that we leverage emotion in life coaching to create energy a client can use to shift their current behaviours … .they mode of operation … Weather it’s feeling energy to be on top of the world – or deep down in a hole you feel you can’t escape Which is what Agile is about – it’s a cultural change and shift For the progress principle to operate, the work must be meaningful to the person doing it. In 1983, Steve Jobs was trying to entice John Sculley to leave a wildly successful career at PepsiCo to become Apple’s new CEO. Jobs reportedly asked him, “Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do you want a chance to change the world?” In making his pitch, Jobs leveraged a potent psychological force: the deep-seated human desire to do meaningful work