The document summarizes critiques and recommendations from peers on the short story "Cocoa and Marshmallow". Suggestions included adding more details to describe Marshmallow's distress, clarifying timeline details, reducing redundancy of character names, and shortening sentences to increase pace and intensity. The author reflects on how the feedback helped improve character development, word choice, and introduce the theme of forgiveness.

1. Critiques
Short Story: “Cocoa and Marshmallow”
The recommendations from others:
From Post 7.6: recommendations of Jennifer Fliss
1. I would make reference to Marshmallow making noise here, (referring to
when she is brought into the kitchen) too. I would imagine her being still
being distressed as well.
2. This is a little confusing because you stated earlier that Marshmallow was
being kept in the kitchen for three months. Does she also have a cage
outside?? You should explain this a little further or possibly re-write the
part about Marshmallow staying in the kitchen. Is there another way that
Silas could be so familiar with Marshmallow’s cries?
In response to Jennifer’s recommendations:
1. I added a distress call to Marshmallow upon entering the kitchen.
“Marshmallow squawked again, and Silas set her down onthe tile kitchen
floor. Shaking her tail,Marshmallow sent small white feathers,dander
and mud fluttering into the air.”(dangling participle corrected).
2. I clarified that Marshmallow had been kept in the carrier as a duckling;
however she was now older and stayed outside. Additionally, I made it clear
in the mother’s response that the carrier was for allowing the duckling to
grow in strength.
Reflection: Jennifer prompted me to look at my work a bit closer. As a reader,
she needed clarity for time and placement. This suggestion helped me to reflect
on word choices and timeline in an effort to allow the reader to follow the logic
of the mother not running after Silas. The mother was busy with the carrier,
but the reader needed to understand that she wasn’t being heartless; she was
just preoccupied.
From Post 7.6: recommendations of Courtney Riggins

2. 1. I feel like there’s too much use of the name “Silas” in this first section. I
would replace a few with pronouns—especially since Silas is undeniably the
main character at this point.
2. To me, “bounded” sounds more like a happy way of clabbering down the
stairs rather than a frantic way.
3. Silas sounds a bit hillbilly-ish from my reading in this line. Is that
intentional?
4. Then Silas cupped Cocoa up to his cheek and whispered sweetly into his
ear. Different word. It makes Silas seem like an effeminate character.
In response to Courtney’srecommendations:
1. I introduced more pronoun reference.
He heard the beeping of a repair truck between her squawks. Her loud cries
had awoken him.
2. I changed “bounded” to “scrambled” to insinuate that Silas was in a hurry.
3. In an effort to make Silas sound less “hillbilly-ish,” I changed his diction to
sound a bit more articulate.
4. “Then Silas cupped Cocoa up to his cheek and whispered (I omitted
sweetly) into her ear.”
Reflection: Courtney’s recommendations helped me reconsider my word choice
and possible redundancy. Additionally, I was able to rethink how actions reflect
and illuminatea character’s image. I was also able to reflect upon Lamb’s
comments about the voice of the narrator (184). Because I am from the south,
much of what I “hear” resonates with a southern drawl. This is fine for Silas,
but I didn’t want him to sound “hic.”
From Post 7.6: recommendations of Dr. Bartoletti
1. Where was Silas when he heard the squawks? What was he doing when he
heard them? Did he react to the very first squawk? Does he hear the
beeping and then the squawks? I think you could try to play out this
opening scene a bit more. Give us some play by play.

3. 2. When you're writing an action piece, as you're doing here, you'll want your
sentences to be shorter. Short sentences convey action and drama. Have
some fun playing with their rhythm and length.
3. This is a sad piece and Silas's reaction is believable. But it really wasn't
the driver's fault, was it? He didn't see the nest, did he? Or did he ignore
the distressed duck?
4. If it wasn't the driver's fault, then you might consider allowing Silas to
come to terms with that. It seems to me that the underlying theme to this
story is forgiveness.
In response to Dr. Bartoletti’srecommendations:
1. “He heard the beeping of a repair truck between her squawks. Her loud
cries had awoken him.”
“Silas scrambled down the stairs in response to Marshmallow's urgent
squawks from the back yard. A slipper flung off his foot as he attempted
to jump three steps. He chinched his belt and tried with one hand to
buckle it. His tee-shirt fell to the step. In haste he turned to pick it up.”
2. “But, this time Marshmallow was frantic. Something was wrong.”
“Mom! Mom! It’s Marshmallow. Something’s wrong. Mom!”
“…There were cables. There were hydraulic hoists.” (-added anaphora and
alliteration as well.)
“… Silas panicked. He imagined Marshmallow’s fate.”
Yet, what had the driver done? Where was Marshmallow? He wondered.
3/4. Silas felt sick as he stood staring in disbelief. Did the driver know what he
had done? Surely not. Silas reasoned.
“...He didn’t mean to son; he didn’t see the nest.
“...but I don’t think that driver meant to hurtthem. I’ll keep you away from

4. those big trucks. I promise."
Reflection: Dr. Bartoletti’s suggestions offered an opportunity to reflect on
emphasizing the scene with details in order to draw the reader into the
dilemma. Lamb recommended to allow “the hero to be called to action”
(114), and in order to draw the reader into the visual dilemma, I needed
include more details. In an effort to increase pace, action and intensity, Dr.
Bartoletti suggested that I shorten my sentences. By allowing Silas to stare
at the nest and react in short sentences, I was able to not only take Lamb’s
advice to “confront the greatest danger and achieve the ultimate truth”
(114), but also disclose the immensity of Silas’s horror. I did question
whether or not to use the words nauseas and/or vomit. Additionally, it was
recommended the theme of “forgiveness” be introduced. It would have been
an unnecessary insensitivity to imply the driver was heartless. For this
reason, I made three indications that it was a mistake and nothing more.
The reader was left believing that Silas forgave the driver, so the redemptive
duckling is not overshadowed. I had thought about redemption not
forgiveness as a possible theme. This inclusion provides more resolution for
the child reader.