This bestseller explores how we often misunderstand the causes of our conflicts and shows us the paths to achieving true peace within ourselves and our relationships. From the authors of Leadership and Self-Deception comes a new edition of an international bestseller that instills hope and inspires reconciliation. What if conflicts at home, conflicts at work, and conflicts in the world stem from the same root cause? What if we systematically misunderstand that cause? And what if, as a result, we unwittingly perpetuate the very problems we think we are trying to solve? This book unfolds as a story. Yusuf al-Falah, an Arab, and Avi Rozen, a Jew, each lost his father at the hands of the other’s ethnic cousins. The Anatomy of Peace is the story of how they came together, how they help warring parents and children come together, and how we too can find our way out of the personal, professional, and global conflicts that weigh us down, even when war is upon us.

1. Some Impressionistic Take away from the Book
The Arbinger Institute
“The Anatomy of Peace”
ramaddster@gmail.com
Ramki

2.  The Arbinger Institute helps organizations, families,
individuals and communities worldwide to correct the trouble
created by the little-known but pervasive problem of self-
deception.
 Arbinger is led internationally by founding partners James
Ferrell, Duane Boyce, Paul Smith, and Terry Warner.
Headquartered in the United States, Arbinger now has
operations around the world, including throughout the
Americas, Europe, Africa, the Middle East, India, Oceania,
and Asia.
About the Author

3.  Warfare doesn’t only happen with physical weapons and
artillery.
 Many of us are warring daily with our family, colleagues and
friends.
 We feel frustrated, angry, bitter, jealous, or indifferent, and
respond in ways that perpetuate the very conflicts and
behaviors we don’t want.
 This book presents the root cause behind all types of
conflict—at personal, professional and global levels—and
how we can approach them in a way that allows even bitter
enemies to reach a peaceful resolution.
Prelude

4.  This book is written as a fable about a group of parents who
arrive at Camp Moriah with the goal of “fixing” their
problematic children.
 The camp begins with a 2-day program for the parents,
followed by a 60-day camp for the kids. Over the 2 days, the
parents gain new insights about themselves and their
relationships, and finally learn the true causes of their
struggles and conflicts at home and at work.
 The story opens with Lou Herbert arriving at Camp Moriah
with his wife Carol. Lou is the founder and CEO of the
Zagrum company, and a former veteran in the Vietnam war.
He has a strained relationship with his 18-year old son, Cory,
who was recently imprisoned for drugs. His company is also
in a mess after his key leaders walked out due to his
oppressive management style.
Introduction

5.  Lou feels skeptical about the camp. He’s impatient to finish the
program so he can get his son reformed and return to his pressing
work in the office.
 Over the 2 days, coaches Yusuf and Avi help Lou and the other
parents to realize that the real problem doesn’t lie with their
children.
 The parents’ own self-deception has blinded them to their roles in
the conflicts, and the only way for a lasting, peaceful resolution is to
start with their own internal shifts.
 The book traces how the parents come to realize
 The root cause and pattern of conflict at work and at home, and
 What they must do to truly resolve them.
 In this summary, we’ll present the key ideas in 2 parts:
 The Root of Conflict
 A Strategy for Peace
Introduction

6. 1
The Root of Conflict

7.  All humans are social creatures. Even our self-identity is defined
in relation to other people, e.g. our role as a father or daughter, or
our self-image as a helpful person or a great leader.
 Everything you say and do can be done from 2 Ways of Being:
with a “heart at peace” or a “heart at war”.
 When we have a heart at peace, we see the other person as a
human being. We recognize that, like us, they’re people with real
hopes, dreams, doubts, fears and struggles.
 When we have a heart at war, we see others as objects. We
dehumanize them by reducing them to a category (e.g. Blacks,
Rich, Arabs), a role (e.g. employee, customer, politician), or a
quality (e.g. jerk, ungrateful, dishonest).
 We stop thinking of them as unique human beings, and only see
them only as an obstacle (“he’s going to make me late for work”), a
vehicle (“he’s going to make me rich”), or something
inconsequential (“I don’t care what he thinks”).
Heart of Peace Vs. A Heart of War

8. When your Heart is at War
 You make things worse: you can’t think clearly, can’t work thru’ issues, & appear
unfair/insincere even if you act fairly on the surface
 You unintentionally invite and perpetuate the behaviors you detest, to create a
vicious cycle.
 Both sides recruit allies to their own point of view to sustain/spread the conflict.
Way of Being

9. When your heart is at war, you tend to start a downward spiral:
 No one wants to be seen as an object. If someone labels you as “a
stupid blond”, “an ungrateful brat” or “a lowly hourly-worker” and treats
you with disrespect, contempt or indifference, you’ll probably feel hurt
and lash out in self-defence or retaliation. Such a response then
reinforces the other party’s perception of you and perpetuates the
conflict.
 Our perceptions of others cause us to say/do things that invite the very
behaviors that we detest. We’re not just passively involved in a conflict;
we’re actively colluding/ contributing to the vicious cycle.
 Imagine your teenage daughter, Amy, keeps playing truant and failing
her exams. She’s the black sheep in your family of achievers and
you’re disgusted by how she’s wasting her life.
 You’re angry by her refusal to change, and your conversations
inevitably end up in shouting matches. In reality, your heart is at war
toward Amy. So, the things you do (e.g. criticizing her or imposing a
curfew) only trigger the outcomes you despise.
Conflict Collusion & Escalation

10. To make things worse, we escalate the conflict by “recruiting” allies who’d sympathize
with us and sustain/ spread the conflict. In organizations, gossip and complaints can
create so much toxicity that people end up focusing on sustaining conflicts instead of
doing productive work. The same pattern occurs in conflicts at national and global
levels.
Conflict Collusion & Escalation

11. Conflict Collusion & Escalation
 In short, when our hearts are at war, we make things
worse because: When we see others as objects, we don’t
consider their needs or perspectives and can’t work through
issues effectively;
 We don’t think clearly and our impulsive responses only
trigger more hostile reactions; and
 Even when we act fairly on the surface, others can still
detect our underlying attitude and thus react negatively

12. Seeing World from inside the Box
 Notice how this shift happens after your self-betrayal, i.e. you start
seeing the blind man as an object rather than a person after you
betrayed your desire to help him. You twist the facts to make
yourself feel better.
 The key isn’t about whether you do or don’t do something. It’s
about whether you honor your inner sense of what’s right. You’ll still
betray yourself if you do the “right” thing with the wrong state of
being, e.g. if you help the blind man just to appear virtuous to
others.
 And, you always have a choice over your Way of Being. Even if
someone is truly unreasonable or has harmed you in the past (e.g.
an abusive husband), you can still choose whether to see him as a
person or object. Your pains or hardships are merely excuses or
justifications for what you choose to feel, say, or do.

13. Seeing World from inside the Box
 When our heart is at war, it’s like looking at the world from inside a self-
deception box; we see things and people through colored lenses. So,
how do we end up inside the box? That happens when we betray
ourselves.
 Deep inside, all of us have a sense of right and wrong. When we don’t
do what we know we should (e.g. helping someone in need, picking up
a piece of litter that we drop, or apologizing for a mistake), we actually
commit an act of self-betrayal. To defend or justify our actions, we
move “into the box”, start to see others as objects, amplify their faults
and play up our merits.
 For example, you see a blind beggar on the streets and feel an urge to
help him. But you ignore him because you’re rushing for a meeting. To
justify your own inaction, you tell yourself that he doesn’t deserve your
help—he probably didn’t even bother to look for a proper job, or may
even n be pretending to be blind. Notice how this shift happens.

14. 4 Boxes of Self -Deception
There are 4 common self-deception boxes that we
enter when our heart is at war. Each box represents a
set of mental justifications that we use to deceive
ourselves. The boxes give us a sense of psychological
safety, but trap us in our own distorted views.

16. Better than Box
 People in this box see themselves as superior to others.
They think they’re better, more important or righteous, thus
feel impatient, contemptuous or indifferent toward others.
 Even if you are right or better at something, you’re probably
in the box if you use it to evaluate others’ worth or to keep
score.
 For example, it’s normal to be upset if a colleague takes the
credit for something you did, but you’re in the box if you mull
over it and obsessively think of all his flaws.
 Another common scenario is when you feel irritated because
someone is bothering you with trivialities (“Why is she asking
me to check on the kids when I’m obviously busy?”), it’s often
a sign that you see the other person to be unimportant (and
should thus handle the trivialities instead of you).

17. Worse –Than Box & I-Deserve Box
Worse –Than Box
 At the other extreme, people in this box see themselves as
flawed, disadvantaged and destined to suffer.
 They use their disability or circumstances as excuses for their
own lack of action or effort, and feel bitter and helpless about
their lot in life.
I-Deserve Box.
 People in this box have a strong sense of entitlement. They
feel unappreciated and deprived of what they rightly
deserve, and often lament how unfair life is

18. Must-Be-Seen-As Box
 Must-Be-Seen-As Box. Those in this box think the world is
constantly watching and judging them.
 A manager may avoid taking an underperforming employee to
task, just so he can be likeable.
 A woman may feel overwhelmed from trying to do everything, but
clings on just so she can be seen as the perfect mum and wife.
In short, people in this box are driven by the desire to look good
rather than to do what’s right.
 Depending on the situation and who we’re with, we may
concurrently be in none, some or all of these boxes. We also
move in and out of boxes over time.
 It’s also possible to get so entrenched in a box that we start to
carry the box with us and see the world through our biased
views and self-justifications. In fact, the box may get
progressively bigger and we get defensive if people challenge our
justifications.

19. 2
A Strategy for Peace

20. The Pyramid of Change
 In most conflicts, each party is convinced that they’re right
and the only way to resolve the issue is for the other party to
change.
 This only results in a stalemate or conflict escalation. The
first step to conflict resolution is to consider that you could be
wrong or at least mistaken.
 Even if you’re doing something right, it’s still possible that
you aren’t doing it the “best” or “right” way. For example, it’s
good to tell your kids to respect others, but not if you’re
yelling at them to do so.

21. The Pyramid of Change

22. The Pyramid of Change
 When we’re unhappy with someone or something, we tend to focus
narrowly on what’s wrong and fight head-on to get what we want. If
someone is already upset with you, criticizing and challenging them will
only make things worse. You can’t force people to change; it’s much
more effective to invite them to change.
 Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, focus on helping to make things
right by seeking to support the other person.
 Use the Pyramid of Change to find solutions at a deeper level, with 3
rules of thumb:
 Focus most of your time and effort at the lower levels of the pyramid,
not at the top.
 The solution to a problem is always found at a lower level of the
pyramid.
 Each level of the pyramid builds the foundation for the levels above,
and your Way of Being is the most vital component that affects your
effectiveness at all levels.

23. The Pyramid of Change

24.  The first step is to get out of the box and approach the
relationship with a heart at peace:
 Learn to identify the signs that you’re in the box, e.g. when you
blame others, justify your actions, exaggerate others’ flaws or hold
thoughts/feelings from the 4 heart-at-war boxes.
 Find an out-of-the-box space where you can see things from a
fresh perspective. At any point in time, we’re in the box toward
some people and out of the box toward others. We can shift our
state of being just by being with people whom we’re out-of-the-box
toward.
 Find such spaces by thinking of people, memories, activities or
places that have the biggest positive influence on you. Lou’s
memory of his dad and the car helps to put his heart at peace, and
allows him to see his own conflict with Cory in a different light.
Getting out of the Box

25.  Once you’ve found that space, re-examine the issue from an out-of-the-box
perspective. Specifically, consider:
 The other party’s challenges, pains and burdens;
 How you or your group could be adding or contributing to those
challenges, pains and burdens;
 How you or your group may have disregarded or mistreated the other party
before;
 How each of the 4 self-deception boxes could be clouding your view of the
other party and/or the options; and
 What you feel you should do to help the other party.
 Once you feel a desire to help the other party or to right a wrong, you’ve
already have stepped out of the box. The challenge is now to stay out of
the box by taking action to honor your new desire/intentions, e.g. doing
something to help or apologizing for a past misunderstanding. If you don’t
take action, you’ll betray your inner sense and end back in the box(es).
 Getting out of the box (and staying out of it) is the most crucial step. Once
you see others as people instead of objects, you’re ready to work toward a
peaceful resolution. Let’s examine the other levels of the pyramid you
need to address before you can effectively correct the problem.
Getting out of the Box

26.  Build relationships within the person’s network. Most of our attitudes and
perceptions are influenced by others around us (e.g. parents, friends,
colleagues). It’s much easier to build a relationship with someone if you
already have existing relations with other people who influence him/her.
Otherwise, their collective influence can undo whatever progress you
make.
 Build your relationship with the person, so you can establish some mutual
rapport, understanding and trust.
 In order to build a relationship, you must be curious about the other person,
and genuinely seek to listen and learn about them, including their
viewpoints, concerns, experiences and feelings. Chances are, you’ll
discover that you’ve been mistaken or even wrong in your assumptions and
assertions.
 You’ll only be able to effectively communicate and teach your proposed
solution if you’ve truly understood the other person and can address his
needs/concerns in your approach.
 Unless you’ve addressed the various components above, any attempt to
correct or change a behavior will fail.
Building Relationship

27.  Let’s imagine you’ve been unable to get your son to stop
hanging out with his “gangster friends”. Before you start
demanding that he stops seeing his friends, consider if
you’ve tried to listen and learn why your son spends time
with them.
 What interests do they share and what underlying needs or
concerns could they be addressing? Reflect if you’ve
invested the time and effort to build a healthy relationship
with your son, and if you have a relationship with other
people he’s influenced by (e.g. his teachers, his friends and
their parents).
 Obviously, you’ll only be able to calmly and objectively
consider all of these factors if your heart is at peace and
you’re seeing your son as a person and not an object.
Applying the Pyramid

29.  Overcoming conflict and helping others work toward change
can be achieved by not only focusing on what is going wrong,
but also by building upon the things that are going right. This
can be accomplished by following a five-part strategic
framework of influence:
 Get out of the box/obtain a heart of peace. This step is
achieved by viewing the other party as a person instead of
a barrier, seeking to understand his or her point of view,
and honoring a natural desire to help the person. This step
is the area in which problems most often occur.
 Build relationships with others who have influence.
Insight is gained by understanding which people have
influence over a person or group and the reasons they
were chosen to be a source of influence.
Key Take Aways

30.  Build the relationship. A strong, healthy relationship with
the other party opens the door for sharing and
communication. Relationships can be strengthened by
setting aside problems and spending time together in a
meaningful way.
 Listen and learn. This step focuses on understanding others
as people and understanding the issues at hand. By
listening, it may become clear that a person’s original views
are flawed or mistaken. As a result, there is a continuous
refinement of viewpoints and opinions.
 Teach and communicate. A person must clearly present the
reasons for his or her actions. Ambiguity and missing
information can result in resistance from others.
Key Take Aways

31. Thank you
Your comments
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